tl;dr by Will Ross

Published February 4, 2015 by Shadow Girl

This anthology had me laughing out loud through the entire book. There’s no intro, no explanations… no foreplay – you’re just assaulted with snark, wit, and even a bit of juvenile humor (never too old for dick & fart jokes!). I wasn’t going to do a story by story post, but then I couldn’t stop myself.
Will Ross is someone I need to be friends with. Let the internet stalking begin!

FLOYD THE HAPPY PANDA AND THE SUNSHINE PATROL
In my best Joe Dirt voice… “When good mascots go bad – Dang!”
OMG, it’s too bad that my son is grown – I think I’ll start babysitting just to read this over & over as a bedtime story!

SOCKS AND THE INTERNET
This has to be read using your Barry White voice.
Seduction in your parents basement – ain’t love grand?

EQUALITY IN MARRIAGE
You sit patiently, you try to pay attention, but sometimes people make it too easy for your mind to wander. If you’re paving the road, I’m gonna take the journey!

I HAVE A SLIGHTLY LESS IMPRESSIVE DREAM
You may think it’s a slightly less impressive dream, sir – but I beg to differ. That’s a world I want to live in.

THE POLE
Murder, mercenaries, profanity… A happy little Christmas tale with Santa and the gang.
Frosty is definitely a Bruce Campbell fan! ::winkwink::
Bonus points for little Billy Sawyer of Detroit, Michigan.

SMACKING THE ALARM CLOCK
Making the alarm your bitch is very cathartic, but… it can backfire. Who’s the bitch now?

THE LEGEND OF JANGO STEPHENS: A TALL TALE
When he walks in the door, panties hit the floor. Jango Stephens – the man, the myth, the legend.

UNITAR, THE ONE HORNED GOD OF TOLERANCE
It may sound weird, but it can be so much fun! Looks like being a Unitarian is the way to go!

THE HELPFUL DEAD
You know it’s gonna be a bad day when you wake up with a hankerin’ for some zombie killin’, but the mouth breathers at Wally World just suck every ounce of life outta you.

ODE TO JACKSON POLLOCK
I’ll just let this one speak for itself.

PLEASE FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON YOUR FLIGHT ATTENDANT
‘In case of an emergency, nobody help the lady in 3-F.’
I read this SS, then had to read it again, out loud, to share the hilarity with my almost asleep husband. The fact that he didn’t kill me speaks volumes.

THE TROUBLE WITH OLDER HOUSES
“Ayeah ::snork:: There’s yer problem right there.”

EDWARD FROM TWILIGHT GETS BEAT FOR ABOUT THREE PAGES
Proof that fan fiction doesn’t always suck. Edward gets owned – American History X style.

WOMEN’S SHOES IN A MAN’S CLOSET
It’s not about being a pretty, pretty princess. It’s not!

DEAR BILLY, I’M SORRY, BUT I CAN’T STOP YOUR DADDY FROM HITTING YOU
I’m going to Hell for enjoying this as much as I did. “Keep your chin up!” Bwahaha!

HUG A PLUTOCRAT TODAY
Dr. Seuss went on another bender, then possessed Will Ross as he gazed at his computer screen.

THE DAY GOOGLE TOOK OVER THE WORLD
You can’t fight back, we have your browser history. Wow, that was gross. I can’t believe I helped you search for that.

GORILLA JET-PACK KNIFE-FIGHTS
Men died for my right to have a hovering, angry primate for defense. It’s in the constitution!

A LETTER I JUST SENT TO DUREX CONDOMS
Some authors make quite a living doing this ;)

GENUINE CLASS
A NAMBLA joke inserted for our twisted pleasure, need I say more?

BABY SOUP
“…and it probably counts as a baptism.” Bonus!
This brought back numerous dead baby jokes I learned as a kid. I’ll be pulling those out of the holster again soon.

HOW TO BECOME A WRITER
Familiarize yourself with the schedule. It can be grueling, but don’t give up! I believe in you!

THE DEFLOWERING OF CHASTITY ST. JAMES
A classy erotica-ish short…
OMG! They totally did it! And, there’s boobies!

LETTERS FROM GAY CAMP!
But, I’m A Cheerleader! (If you know the reference, you’ll love this SS.) “I spend quality time with my opposite sex camp partner. They have hair, and a face…”

FISH BABY: A CHILDREN’S TALE
We’ve come full circle.
Closing out the collection the way it began – with me searching Craig’s List for babysitting jobs.
Bonus points for turning it up to eleven!

STRANGE SEX 2: THE SECOND CUMMING

Published February 4, 2015 by Shadow Girl

The sequel to the smash erotic horror anthology Strange Sex, Strange Sex 2 picks up right where the last book left off.

We’ve brought together some of the best new and established talent from the Bizarro genre to make Strange Sex 2: The Second Cumming sexier, nastier and more extreme than ever! Garrett Cook, Kevin Strange, Gabino Iglesias, and John Bruni lead the way through Rapecopters, Jesus erotica, sexualized Ken dolls, Mandingo gang bangs and so much more!

I’m ashamed at how long it’s taken me to get this review posted, but – I do have a valid reason! I read this with my first KU subscription, and I didn’t get three of the shorts reviewed before the book was returned. So, my apologies to Garrett Cook, Gregor ‘Goatboy’ Cole, and Kevin Strange. I loved the stories – robotic mutations, a very dark auction, and another short guaranteed to send me to Hell. (Don’t worry, I bought curtains… it’s lovely there.) Problem? I don’t have them in front of me to detail them right now… I’ll remedy this very soon, but for now… let’s pimp SS2 as a whole. Another 5 star anthology from the gang at SHB!
(My apologies to RRP if I left you uncredited, my inner timeline is slightly skewed)

Tiffany Scandal: FLAT LIKE KEN
FLAT LIKE KEN puts a sexy spin on the lives of some of our favorite childhood friends! I’m comforted in knowing that I wasn’t the only person that thought Ken was hanging out with Burt & Ernie at that bar downtown…

John BruniZERO RECALL
If Adam Sandler was a rapist, and enjoyed torture, 50 FIRST DATES would have been a completely different movie!
Another great SS from John Bruni – the Lombard-esque twists threw me, and I didn’t see this ending coming. I got in touch with John right when I finished, I couldn’t understand how he got me feeling sorry for, and almost rooting for, a very twisted bad guy.

MP JohnsonGROUPIE
Punk rock! If I had Social Distortion serenading me from my boobie, I’d be too happy to worry about the ‘HOW‘! The Oxycontin would be used as a party favor while I tried to get Mike Ness to cover COMFORTABLY NUMB.

Kristen M. TepePROJECT 628
This isn’t alien autopsy! Kristen knows the truth about these aliens, and those sure aren’t atomic ray guns they’re carrying! Their so-called weapons of mass destruction are actually vibratory androcentric phallus augmentation devices, and when these girls cum – it’s not so peaceful!
I especially liked the homage paid to Kevin – naming the stripper Cotton Candi! @KMTepeLit

Daniel VlasatyTHE SEX BUS IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT BUS
If you jumped onto a bus filled with so much sexual tension that you thought your head might explode from the pressure, would you wonder about your regular route, and getting to work on time, OR would you start peeling off your clothes to see how things would play out?
Sign me up for option B – because, like Daniel Vlasaty, Shadow Girl knows that the sex bus is ALWAYS the right bus! – http://danielvlasaty.com/

Gabino IglesiasMANDINGO PARTY MASSACRE
Neil knows that something isn’t right while he’s discussing the specifics of the service he & his men are to perform for this old man’s trophy wife. It’s her birthday, and while hiring a group of black men to satisfy your wife is a service that not all men would are secure enough in their own sexuality to do – it’s lucrative enough to keep the business afloat. This particular man is setting off Neil’s What-The-Fuck-O-Meter, so when they arrive at their destination that night – they’re ready for anything.
What happened isn’t an event you’d think you’d be able prepare for, but Neil and his Mandingos have learned a thing or two over the past two hundred years. Sadly, this kind of private party happens more often than you’d think possible, and the men are more than prepared.

Brian WilliamsN.A.D.S.
Sam literally runs into Dave on his way to the shops one morning. An encounter that, on any normal day, would be forgotten almost immediately. But on this day, in this place, it’s as if the universe intervened to assure the events to come. This love story centers around three men, and the very special women in their lives. These relationships wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for one man – Dave, the founder of N.A.D.S. Dave has a surprise lined up for his friends, a very special surprise that will make people all over the world will stand up and take notice.

William TeaRULE 34
SS2 coaxed Billy Tea out of semi-retirement to enlighten us on the rules of adult cinema. One rule of pornography in particular – Rule 34: If it exists, there’s porn of it. Michael is trying to Tarantino the rule – using porn to prove the existence of something very important to him.
http://www.WilliamTea.com

Rich Bottles Jr.PINKFISH
Rich gets bonus points for having the best opening line of any SS in the SS2 collection – you gotta give it up for Oscar Wilde like wordplay that good!
While trying to illegally capture a new baby orca whale for the Under The Sea park in California, the fisherman captures something a lot more interesting in his nets. Under The Sea’s head animal trainer is very interested in this new discovery, and devotes every minute of his time to this unique creature.

SS2 – Amazon / Goodreads

GRUDGE PUNK by John McNee

Published February 4, 2015 by Shadow Girl

This is another review that was lost in one of the blog moves. I’m kind of happy about the loss, though – I enjoyed it more the second time around.

Grudgehaven – “A city lost to the darkness, where acid rain drums on a hundred thousand corrugated iron rooftops, and cold, mechanized eyeballs squint out of every filth-smeared window”

An anthology of dieselpunk-bizarro-horror-noir. Nine tales of brutally and betrayal from a city like no other, from an author like no other – John McNee.

In The Flesh:
Bailey, a Private Dick straight out of a late-night film noir, has been hired to track down a broad named Lena by Clockwork Joe. Where might she be? The house of sin & seduction, the house of flesh. The Casa Carne is, literally, a living thing, walls decorated with red & blue veins, and the furniture showing its age in liver spots. Once a popular place for the S&M underground, they say once you spend one night at The Carne – you’ll never want to leave.
You need to know pain to know pleasure.

A Hand Walks Into A Bar:
Seriously. A hand walks into a bar.
It hops up on a stool to grab Rhino’s attention. Communicating in the best way it knows how, the hand somehow convinces Rhino to follow it somewhere. (I know I wouldn’t have followed a disembodied hand anywhere, not even down a trail of Hershey’s Kisses.)
The hand leads him to the rest of it’s body, a kidnapping plot led by a couple morons, and… a new, unconventional friendship.

Gutter Politics:
Being the mayor of Grudgehaven isn’t all about politics. Hell, it’s not about politics at all. For Eddie Coll, it’s all about power, promises, and being the wanted candidate of the most powerful bosses left at the end of the day.

Down To The Bone:
As the radio breaks in with the news of the impending Category 5 acid rain storm, most Grudgehaven residents prepare to survive the night. There are others though, residents who plan to make the best of the deadly event.

The Corridors Of Power:
Rising in power quickly helps eliminate your enemies, but for Cynthia it only means that she needs a new job. Finding one isn’t the hard part, though. Her morals are starting to make her a bit uncomfortable.

A Real Piece Of Work:
Alesa has lived a hard seventeen years. Taking care of her dying mother, living with her over zealous, preaching father, and being one of the least favorable people to gaze upon… well, it all eventually took it’s toll. Alesa wants to be reborn, and there ain’t no better place for that than the Grudge.
I wish there had been more of this character in the remaining stories.

One Parasite To Another:
“Welcome to the club of most of us.”
Father Cicero could possibly be the wisest man in Grudgehaven. Sinners need to purge themselves, and Cicero’s memory is phenomenal. He should have remembered his seven deadlies though… greed can be a bitch.

God’s Of The Damned:
Captain Pazzano is just trying to do his job, but bringing Regan in is not going as smoothly as planned. The Widow’s Burden is just a story told by the Damned… right?

All The Wrong Parts:
Louie is just trying to live his life – make some honest money, and try to nurse his wife back to some semblance of health. When Frank shows up (alive) with a plan and needing a partner, Louie knows that he cannot turn up the opportunity. Working with The King of Broken Glass is never what it seems, and Louie might end up in a worse spot than he started.

GRUDGE PUNK – Amazon / Goodreads

Words Of Blood

Published January 20, 2015 by Shadow Girl

wordsofblood

PINES (Wayward Pines #1) by Blake Crouch

Published January 20, 2015 by Shadow Girl

When I started reading this one thinking it was a different book. I think I meant to pick the Andrew Thomas series – (I wanted to read more about Luther, from SERIAL, and BIRDS OF PREY), but chose this instead. I remembered the synopsis totally different than what is posted on Amazon, and Goodreads.

I’m happy I did, Wayward Pines is one messed up little town!

PINEScover

He notices that it’s a gorgeous day when wakes up outside. OK, that’s weird. He’s In a beautiful park, laying on the greenest grass, next to a crystal clear river – it would be heavenly, if he didn’t feel like he’d been beaten with a bag of bricks.
To his dismay, the pain isn’t the worst of his trouble right now. He can’t remember – anything. He has no wallet, no money, no phone – only a pocket knife, but, it’s not talking.
He knows he needs to get medical attention, but avoids the hospital – he has a gut feeling that that little adventure wouldn’t turn out in his favor. Something is very wrong, he can feel it – before everything goes black again.

The next time he comes to, he’s laying in a hospital bed and feeling a little more like himself. Himself, if he’d been beaten with a bag of bricks.
He remembers that his name is Ethan Burke, he’s a secret service agent, and he’s in Wayward Pines investigating the disappearance of two fellow agents. The hospital staff seems friendly, but a little condescending. He wants to know where all of his belongings are, and he needs to contact his family – but he’s met with vague answers, clearly meant to pacify him. Ethan comes to a realization – ‘I’m a secret service agent, damnit!’ He leaves the hospital and heads directly to the sheriff’s station, and things only get worse. No one has located his ID, and no one believes he is who he claims to be. In fact, he could be in some deep trouble here in Wayward Pines! He needs to figure out what’s really going on here.
His investigation turns up more questions than answers. Each step closer to the truth takes him further from the world he thought he knew, from the man he thought he was, until he must face a horrifying fact — he may never get out of Wayward Pines alive.

I’ve only scratched the surface of this story here – there is SO MUCH going on! You won’t believe the secrets that are held in this little Idaho town.
I REALLY loved reading what inspired the author to write this series, and how long he’d actually been working on it! It’s not often that I find another person who was as obsessed with who killed Laura Palmer as I was. Knowing that Blake Crouch was also a Twin Peaks fan of epic proportions made me feel a small connection with him, like we shared a little secret – whispers of coffee and cherry pie…
BUT THEN, I got some news that took some of the wind out of my sails. ::sigh::
I was surprised when I JUST saw that someone has decided to make a TV series out of Wayward Pines. I wasn’t for, or against it. Just surprised. Until…
♪ ♫ ♩ Dun dun dunnnnnn… ♪ ♫ ♩
Freaking directed by M. Night Shyama-lama-dint-dong! What?!
Oh nos!

That’s just me, and I truly hope that I’m wrong.
I hope that the series will do Blake Crouch, and his town, proud. I’ll be watching S1E1 – fingers & toes crossed!

IMDB – M. Night Shyamalan takes on WAYWARD PINES.

Blake Crouch’s website

Pines on Amazon

Pines on Goodreads

Blake Crouch on Goodreads

23 Words For Book Lovers That Really Should Exist.

Published January 19, 2015 by Shadow Girl

New words for the people who love them.

Originally posted on Buzzfeed Books on Jan. 5, 2015, at 2:51 p.m., by Alex Alvarea

 

1. A word for the smell of a new book.

Smells like freshness and adventures to be had.

2. A word for the smell of an old book.

3. A word for the guilt you feel when you accidentally tear part of a book.

I never meant to hurt you.

 

4. A word for the exquisite ache you feel when waiting for the paperback version to publish.

5. A word for owning 7,852 bookmarks yet never finding one when you need it.

6. A word for reading something you’ve always felt, but could never articulate.

7. A word for never wanting a book to end.

8. A word for finishing a book out of a sense of duty.

9. A word for that one book you read over and over and over.

10. A word for not remembering whether something happened to you… or you read it in a book.

11. A word for the totally unnecessary annoyed feeling you get when seeing a book you love reissued with a movie poster as it’s cover.

12. A word for the despair you feel when someone spoils a book’s ending for you.

The ultimate betrayal.

 

13. A word for laughing in public because of something you’ve just read.

14. A word for feeling such a close kinship with an author that you feel they’re writing just for you.

Kindred spirits, by pages bound.

 

15. A word for when you read a steamy section of a book in public and sense that EVERYONE KNOWS.

16. A word for knowing that you cannot fully understand a person unless you see what’s on their bookshelf.

17. A word for the kind of crush that develops on a person after seeing what they’re reading.

I love your brain.

 

18. A word for being so engrossed in a book that you begin thinking and speaking like its characters.

19. A word for the realization that there is such a thing as “bookstore porn.”

20. A word for the creeping horror you feel when someone informs you that “I never read.”

21. A word for owning more books than you technically have space for.

It’s not a problem. It’s a challenge.

 

22. A word for reading a phrase in a book and needing to pause and just bask in its beauty for a moment.

23. The word for the special love that blooms when you lend someone a book and they love it just as much as you do.

THE ROSE MAN (Single Shot Short Story Series Book 12) by Terry M. West

Published January 18, 2015 by Shadow Girl

It’s the summer of 1987. Dane Morrison, and his wife Helen, have been happily married for twenty years. The single red rose he bought for her was an impulse buy, as much for her as it was for the vagrant he purchased it from. Dane didn’t know, couldn’t possibly know, that this single act of tenderness & goodwill would be the beginning of a horrifying journey.

TheRoseMan

While at work the following week, Dane was thinking about the rose that he had purchased for his wife, and smiling to himself. His smile was short lived, however, as he watched his co-worker stroll into the office late. Again. He looked like shit, and smelled of alcohol, but what Dane noticed was the six roses that Willie was carrying.
Dane saw The Rose Man again on his way home from work, and was surprised to learn that he had been robbed. Some thief snatched a bunch of red roses from The Rose Man’s hand as he drove by. He didn’t tie the two events together right away. But when his co-worker died a grisly death, it was a connection that could not be ignored.

The Rose Man is the twelfth book in the Single Shot Short Story Series from Terry M. West.

You can find THE ROSE MAN on Amazon, Goodreads, Library Thing, and Shelfari.

You can find Terry M. West on Amazon, Goodreads, Facebook, and Twitter. He also spreads darkness on his official website – A Psycho’s Medley.
Terry is also the managing editor of the Halloween/Horror website Halloween Forevermore.

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