PUNCH, PIE, AND TWINKIES
A Playdate with Michael Noe
If you looked up the name Michael Noe online, this might be what you’d find out…
“Michael Noe is a splatterpunk author residing in Barberton Ohio. His debut novel LEGACY was released by Morbidbooks and he has a few
stories appearing in various anthologies. He’s a huge fan of horror films, and reads a ton of bizarro fiction and splatterpunk.”
That little nugget of information is OK for some people, but I wanted to know a bit more about the man who has supplied me with such quotable literary lines as “Blood and teeth flew like money aimed at a stripper”, and inspired some wickedly fun breakfast treats! I gained a little inside access, and here is what I found out…
Q: Is this an interview, or a date?
A: A play date. I’ll bring my Ninja Turtles and some Twinkies.
Q: Who would you cast to play Kevin Vincent in the movie adaptation of LEGACY?
A: That’s an interesting question and one I’ve never even thought about. There’s a lot of good actors that would be a good fit, but I would go out on a limb and say Johnny Depp. Have you seen Black Mass? That is without a doubt his best film. He could bring Kevin to life. When you read Legacy imagine Depp delivering those lines and you’ll see it too.
SG: I have Black Mass on my IMDB watch list, but didn’t realize it was out!
Q: If you were to write a book about yourself, what would the title be, and
if you could pick any other writer to tell your story, who would it be?
A: I don’t think a book about myself would be all that interesting so I would pick James Patterson who would do a really grandiose outline and hire someone else to write it. It would be full of car chases and shit. Way better than my real life. I think the title would be; Fuck, you’re really boring.
Q: Marry, Fuck or Kill? Round One:
Aileen Wuornos, Karla Homolka, Jodi Arias – GO!
A: Aileen I would kill because you can’t fuck or marry her. She’d kill me first. I liked her story a lot but she was fucking crazy and not in a good way. I think Karla I would marry because she seems like the the kind of chick that you want around and disappears when you don’t.
I am going to get into so much trouble with this one. Jodi has that crazy hot thing going for her so I would probably fuck her and then regret it as she’s killing me. This is not the kind of chick you want to leave alone with sharp pointy things. Doesn’t handle break ups very well.
Q: Do you ever come up with anything so fucked up that you scare
yourself, and leaves you wondering where the Hell it came from?
A: I always wonder where it comes from but I usually laugh at the majority of what my mind comes up with. I don’t think I’ve ever been scared and I’m always looking at different things to use in my stories. Case in point my girlfriend bought a Mandoline Slicer and I’m looking at it and I immediately think how I could use this thing in a story as I’m slicing potatoes. This is why I’m not allowed to play with anything cool at home. There’s a running list of shit that I can’t use. No drills, no hammers, none of that shit. It’s upsetting because I want a nail gun yet I’ve been banned from not only looking at them, but also touching them.
Q: You’re a fellow Ride Warrior…. What is your favorite roller coaster at Cedar Point? Have you been this year?
A: I haven’t. I just didn’t have the time this year. I haven’t been to Cedar Point in a very long time. I’m due. My favorite ride was always the Demon Drop. It’s the one ride where you actually think you may shit your pants. As you fall your asshole actually puckers.
Q: You are now trapped in the last horror show or movie you watched.
Will you survive?
A: I think I have a good shot. I was watching American Psycho on Blu-ray for the first time and if you haven’t seen it you should. It’s a classic film that looks amazing in that format. The Bonus features are bullshit but for 5 bucks what can you do? My chances of survival are good because I’m not female or blond and my name isn’t Paul Allan. What’s funny is that I never realized how much of an influence American Psycho had on me but I could see a lot of Patrick Bateman in Kevin. I also think that the book and movie are equally good which is a rarity.
Q: You’re dead — what does your eulogy say about you?
A: I would hope it would say that I was a good father first and foremost and then maybe best selling author. That’s one of those questions that are really hard to answer because once you’re dead you have no control over what people are going to say about you. I think a good life motto would be ‘DON’T BE A DICK’.
Q: Can you share any ideas that you have for future projects with us?
A: Legacy 2 is in the hands of JEA and that should be out soon. It’s in the queue for edits, and I have a story coming out soon in Splat 2, and I think there are a few others, but the release dates haven’t been announced. My story Pop Goes The Weasel will be in Bound By Blood: A JEA Thrills Anthology and I have two books in the works. The first is an attempt at combining Japanese horror and splatterpunk together and the second is just a balls out gore fest that will probably offend a few people. The cool thing is that I have about a year to finish the books so there will probably be quite a few anthology appearances. I also have a collection of my short stories ready for edits, but there a few that still need to be released before I can publish it.
SG: ::GoGoGadget, fangirl mode:: squeeee
Q: Mary/FucK/Kill Round Two:
Marie Delphine Laveau, Countess Elizabeth Báthory – GO!
A: Kill Marie and I would fuck the countess. How could you not? She was hot and bat shit crazy. She is the definition of crazy hot.
Q: If you could make your own Lego set, what would it be?
A: A Lego Camp Crystal Lake? I think that would be cool as hell. It would never get played with but it would always have a home on my book shelf.
Q: What does your family think of your writing?
A: My mom is proud of me even though she thinks what I do is gross. It’s funny because my mom isn’t a big horror person and I knew that she would be a bit shocked by Legacy and what I had written. My kids are proud of the fact that there are anthologies, and a book with my name on it on Amazon. Being twelve they aren’t allowed to read it yet, but they know what I do and they think it’s cool. My girlfriend is a fan, and she edits my stuff. A lot of women won’t do that and I love that she’s supportive and puts up with my twisted imagination. I give Mindy a lot of credit for plowing through what I come up with and if it wasn’t for her keen eye half of my stuff wouldn’t be as good as it is. She’s the Uncle Jesse to my Danny Tanner
Q: What is the scariest thing you have ever done for fun?
Would you do it again?
A: I’m a very cautious guy. I don’t fly or do anything crazy. At my age I know that there are limits and my body just doesn’t recover like it used to. The scariest thing I ever did was watch my twins being born and I think maybe I’d do it again. The C-section is a very interesting thing and I got to see my exwife’s insides on the outside. She wanted to know what was happening and so I stood up and peeked and the doctor’s were talking about playing golf while reaching in to grab my kids. That was pretty scary because if you’ve ever seen a baby being yanked out like that there are so many different thoughts, but there aren’t any words. They weren’t even moving and the way they grab them is just fucked up. They grab them by their little heads and just kind of pass them like a little football.
Q: What action would your name be if it were a verb? (eg: Wang Chung)
A: Sleeping fat fuck. It fits because I’m a really boring guy. I write, watch Netflix and that’s about it. I have discovered that at my age if I lay down on the couch to read or watch a movie I instantly fall asleep. It’s weird.
Q: Have you had any bizarre experiences with your readers, stalkers, and
fangirls? Dead rabbit on the stove? 457 inbox messages within 24
hours? What is the craziest thing that has happened to you in regards
to your fans?
A: I haven’t had any weird experiences, but I have a feeling that after this I may get all kinds of weird shit. I’m at that stage where I’m building my writing career so not too many people know who I am. That’s a good thing but I think there will come a day where there may be stalkers and shit. It’ll be all your fault too.
SG: Awww ::blushes:: A girl can dream…
Q: Marry, Fuck or Kill? Round Three:
Alcohol, Pizza, Netflix – GO!
A: Kill alchol, fuck the hell out of a pizza and marry Netflix. I would also cheat on Netflix to have an affair with Screambox. Have you heard about Screambox? It’s like Netflix for horror fans. It’s only 2.99 a month and worth every penny.
SG: Screambox is awesome, Joy Killar and I tried it for a minute.
Q: It’s that time of year… discribe the best/worst/most offensive thing
you have dressed up as for Halloween?
A: The worst would be the Incredible Hulk in the first grade. Very good idea at the time but not one of my finer moments. My mom painted me green and I wore green panty hose. It was itchy as fuck. I was miserable all damn day.
Q: You’ve just been hired to do a promotion at Kellog for Murder O’s.
What would you put in the box as a prize?
A: A chainsaw. You could have a lot of fun with a chainsaw. I think kids would have a blast with it. I want a chainsaw but as you’ve read I’ve been banned from all that shit.
Q: Do you have an interesting/annoying writing quirk?
A: I find it interesting but others may find it annoying that I laugh at the brutal scenes that I come up with. I will laugh when I write it, and I will laugh when I edit it. My girlfriend knows that if I start laughing while I’m writing I’ve done something fucked up. I also listen to a lot of weird music when I write. I’ve been known to listen to Taylor Swift and Kelly Clarkson.
Q: A penguin walks through your door right now wearing a sombrero.
What does he say and why is he here?
A: I would imagine he’s there to fuck shit up. If a penguin Is wearing a sombrero there is some serious shit about to go down.
LIGHTENING ROUND… GO!
Favorite horror movie quote?
‘No Tears , please. It’s a waste of good suffering.’ I love that line
If The US was a human body, what state would be the butthole?
New Jersey. There are going to be a lot of pissed off people but seriously name five good things about New Jersey? See?? You can’t
Which horror author would you most like to collaborates with?
Alive? It’s a toss up between Stuart Keane and Matt Shaw. Those guys are by far my favorite new authors, but I would also want to work with Jim Goforth. He reminds me a lot of Richard Laymon. Dead it would be Richard Laymon. Huge influence on me and that would be the ultimate dream gig.
SG: Great choices!
Archer or Bob’s Burgers?
I’m not a fan of either. My daughter loves Bob’s but I just can’t get into it.
SG: 😮 Literally speechless.
Electric chair or lethal injection?
To watch Electric chair, but if I have to actually die by one I would go with lethal injection, The odds of shitting your pants are pretty slim with that one, and it’s kinda like taking a nap. Except you don’t wake up.
Most embarassing nickname?
Mikey. It just irks me to no end. Now if people start calling me that I am going to be upset.
SG: IK,R?! Maybe we should edit this to read ‘The Legend’ >.<
Evil Genius or mentally ill?
I think it’s a good mixture of both. In order to create the kind of stuff I do there’s a lot of evil genius mixed in with the mentally ill. Of course that’s only when I’m writing. When I step away from the keyboard I’m like Clark Kent. I take off the tights and just become a normal guy that laughs while watching certain horror films and can’t handle sharp objects. Yeah, there’s a lot of bullshit in there. I’m always looking for ideas so there’s no off switch.
Your ‘go to’ porn search term?
I used to watch a lot of lesbian porn. I wouldn’t say a lot but when the interwebs was new I realized that there was a lot of gold to be mined and I went lesbian hunting. I prefer dick free porn. For the most part I actually don’t watch porn. I know nobody will believe that but I don’t. If I do it’s chick on chick.
Call it – Leatherface vs. Ash
I love The Evil Dead films, but I have to go with Leatherface on this one. Ash Is a bad ass but Leatherface just lost a whole box of fucks somewhere and that makes him dangerous. Ash is all about saving the world while Leatherface is on a mission to fuck shit up. He has no conscious at all and when he’s in the zone you can’t stop him.
Original horror films, or remakes?
Without a doubt original. You can’t take a classic film and make it better. You just can’t. Look at the new Nightmare On Elm Street. You can’t replace Robert England and expect your film to succeed. There are some that are good though, but for the most part fuck ’em. Times that it worked? Halloween and Friday 13th. Aside from that there’s nothing.
Truth or dare?
Dare. What’s the worst that could happen?
SG: Famous last words…
There may not be many people that appreciate WHY I am asking you this question, but… I’d like to know, and knowing is half the battle!
What are some of the most absolutely fucked up things that you’ve stumbled upon while ‘Rolling In The Deep’? haha
Would you like to share any of your Deep Web / Dark Net experiences?
It’s been frustrating because there’s a lot of dead links and for every hour your rolling down there you can’t see anything. I did find a chat room where people were sharing videos of people stomping on bunny heads and there was a guy who was offering up video of himself torturing some woman he had locked in his basement, but I haven’t actually seen this stuff. I already have a fucked up Google search list. I don’t want to add to reasons why my laptop should be searched. Have you seen any of that?
SG: Well… kind of. I spent some time in the forums of the ‘crush’ site you mentioned. I avoided the pics at all costs, but tried to use the forums to dig a little deeper into the dark net. I DID get a lot of leads, but nothing panned out. The torture site(s), and ‘Red Rooms’, are discussed a lot – but again… dead ends. It’s hard to tip-toe around while trying to avoid anything evenly remotely connected to ‘Hard Candy’. SAD SATAN could have been a fun ride… too bad it was a hoax.
Is there anything you would like to share with readers & fans? The floor is yours –
I’m taking the chair. I wanted to thank everyone for following me on Facebook and for buying not just Legacy but also the various anthologies that I’m in. I’m finally reaching a point where people are noticing me and that’s kind of weird. Rush and TOOL are the best bands ever and I also think that we should not dress up as Bruce Jenner for Halloween. If you do post a lot of pictures. Also I should point out that hair metal is still a kick ass music genre and RATT should be in the Rock And Roll Hall Of Shame. Also thanks for the opportunity to do this. It was a lot of fun.
Do you have any lingering questions for ‘The Legend’ Michael Noe, or are you curious about where the best place to
stalk connect with him is? Try these links –
Twitter Username: @dr_peanut