zompocalypse

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Beer Run of the Dead by D.F. Noble

Published May 5, 2014 by Shadow Girl

♬ It’s the end of the world as we know it, where can I get a dime?♬

Original cover from StrangeHouseBooks

Original cover from StrangeHouseBooks

☣ ☣ ☣ ☣ ☣ 5/5 Biohazards for BRotD

Action packed dumbass, zombie killing, booze hounding, jiggly tits, of action full of super action! Beer Run of the Dead is the first book in a series sure to quench your thirst.
Follow Kip, Rock and Steady, as they struggle to survive and stay completely shit faced in the face of certain undead doom. These three unlikely heroes hold the key to humanity’s salvation, but will they succeed being inebriated as they are? Not everyone who saves the world is a rocket scientist, a super hero, or a handsome actor turned politician. Sometimes people who save the world… they’re fucking idiots.

New beer label cover from Rooster Republic Press

New beer label cover from Rooster Republic Press

I really gotta tell ya, I’ve been a bit zombied out lately. Add to that the fact that I can’t get the end to my zombie SS written, and… it kind of bums me out. SOO… it took me a little while to open this book up. But, once I did – I couldn’t put it down!
Beer Run Of The Dead has made it’s way into my top five favorite zombie stories. Ever. (Sharing spots with Tonia, and Cal – you know who I go on and on about!).
The saviors of mankind in this story, our warriors of booze & justice, are Rock, Steady, & Kip – these are friends of yours. Whether you know them now, or knew them in your past, I’ll bet that at least 80% of us picture that friend when reading this. Take a bit of everyone’s favorite unlikely hero – Ash, (Bruce Campbell), get him FUBAR, and then double the humor – and that’s what I want you to expect when you start BRotD.
I don’t know what else to tell you about the plot without ruining the story for you, but I think what has already been said in the synopsis is enough. I made so many notes and highlights while reading – but I can’t let you in on all of it!! I can’t NOT touch on some of it, though.
Soft warning here… (not like an EBS warning, more like the required weekly test of the EBS.) The remainder of this post contains bits that are kind of spoilers – but only spoilers for scenes, not spoilers for the story line.

Some of my favorite things in this book…

There is a ‘shit & slide’ – (you’ll see!), Cartman quotes, and a woman who gets beat with her own dildo – (and loses her teeth from it)!
Kip’s mom has a muscley bf, who is like any newcomer into a relationship with a teenager – he is trying way to hard to be buddy-buddy, and trying even harder to be cool. That makes him an instant d-bag, you know the type. He is gonna be a bro! Well, first thing he does is shotguns a hit of his joint to Kip, and his reaction is the first thing that had me dying. Kip goes to his room alone & thinks

“My head feels like an electric blanket with a fan blowing. Fuck I’m hungry. Fuck I wanna nap. Maybe I should call grandma sometime, it’s been a while…”

– I’m just cracking up – I know your pain, bro!!

Here’s something to let you into my head, to show how goofy my brain works…
In chapter 3, (at about 9% in) -when TSHTF, there’s a line that says… “A thick wall of smoke rolls steadily down the street…”
I highlighted ‘smoke rolls steadily down the street…’, and I made a note so I’d remember to tell you guys (and the author) that I automatically sang that to QUEEN’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’. I had it stuck in my head for the rest of the day, and now that I’m re-living the moment… it’s back. So… this is your mandatory ear-rape. Now you’ll have it stuck in your head, too.
Not long after the Jock Jams 57 sing-a-long, still at about nine percent, there is a scene that had me literally laughing out loud, and I had to read it to my husband –
The scene itself is utterly hilarious.
Add the fact that I’ve been working a full time McJob since the GM layoffs and it turned to pure comedy gold!

There is a guy ordering breakfast in the drive-thru of a fast food joint. The customer, Mike, is the epitome of ‘that guy’. The asshole customer who wants something to be wrong, so he can bitch. If there is nothing wrong, he’ll make something up. (Remember… TSHTF moment has already begun, things are blowing up, sirens going off – and he’s pissed about having to wait to order). Already irrationally upset, when he orders a Coke but the place only carries Pepsi – he starts to lose his shit, and then the real fun begins!

“Is Pepsi all right?”
“What? No, I won’t drink that shit. Give me a Sprite instead.”
“Is Sierra Mist okay?”
“Are you fucking serious? What is this shit?”
“So, a Sierra Mist?”
“No, I said are you seri—“
“One Sierra Mist, got it. So we have two biscuits and gravy, two hash—“
“I don’t want a goddamn Sierra Mist! Listen, jackass, I want—“
This time, it isn’t the pimple-faced kid on the other side of the speaker distracting the Cardinals fan, but an ambulance that comes wailing down the street from out of nowhere. Weaving in and out of traffic, the thing is all over the road, hopping the curb before finally nailing a car at the intersection. Glass shatters, metal buckles, and the car does a near three-sixty before colliding with oncoming traffic.
“Frikkin’ shit!” the Cardinals fan exclaims.
“Sorry sir, we don’t carry Mr. Pibb.” (bah ha ha!)
– stuff happens, more stuff happens, and then…
“What the fuck is going on…” the Cardinals fan softly moans, from the relative safety of his car.
“Excuse me, sir, did you say foot-long hot dog?”

Last funny that I’m going to point out is when Kip meets Rock & Steady. They’ve been through a lot already, and
Kip describes some things he’d had to do when TSHTF. Rock & Steady seem sympathetic, and they proceed to tell Kip about how/why they’d had to kill their girlfriends when the end of the world started…
I don’t want to ruin all my favorite parts for you, so I’m just making a note to say… don’t miss it!

BRotD-KipEvans

D.F. Noble is a hell of a writer.
He has three stories in the SHB anthology STRANGE SEX.
His SS CINNAMON had a sci-fi edge to it, and reminded me of an old movie I once saw called (I think…) CHERRY 2000.
His SS INTERLOPER is about the big guy upstairs seducing the women on earth, and the SS FOREIGNER, well… FOREIGNER made me gag. A lot.
All the shorts in SCARY FUCKING STORIES were great, too. Plus, I feel like I got a little peek inside his head.
What I’m saying is this – he’s not a guy you can jam into one category. Multi-genre, multi-talent.

Note to Don and/or Arthur…
Those shots of tequila at the end… are they Cabo Wabo Blue agave tequila? I’m going to imagine that – YES, THEY ARE! Will also assume that they’ll have some Hagar-Miester to mix with Red Bull for some power shots 😉

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TRIPLE SHOT OF SOUTHERN HORROR By Tonia Brown

Published January 23, 2014 by Shadow Girl

TRIPLE SHOT OF SOUTHERN HORROR is my latest read in Tonia Brown’s TRIPLE SHOT series, and… I think it may be my favorite so far.

cover-1

Devil Drink: Butch Buchanan¹, the sheriff of Black Ridge & regular Good Old Boy, takes his new officer up the mountain to introduce him to Beulah Walker*. Officer Kirk Durham is like Simon Pegg in the beginning of HOT FUZZ – a straight-laced, by the book, kind of prudish guy, who arrived from a big city job – with a stick up his butt. The new officer doesn’t take too kindly to Beulah, but he will soon find out that she is more than a mere bootlegger – the town of Black Ridge relies on her to keep the ‘quo’

Sickened: There are some strange, old customs around – ones that we don’t ever think of, or know exist. Some folks take these customs very seriously. This story is about the town’s local Sin Eater², Clem. Somethin’ he ate over at the Widow Baxter’s last night isn’t agreeing with him. In fact, it won’t stop disagreeing with him! He’s been vomiting something vile -and it won’t stop. He makes it to the hospital to see Doc Pearson, a modern doctor who doesn’t put much stock into what Clem claims to do. Nevertheless, he sees that whatever is wrong with Clem isn’t something that his modern medicine can fix. Something else needs to be done.

Home Cooked Meal³: Life after the zompocalypse is not easy. Mary Shull is living day to day, on the road and on the run. Hungry, dirty, and tired – so tired – she’s ready to pack it all in. If she was dead, well, undead, she wouldn’t have to run anymore – just shuffle. And, she wouldn’t be hungry anymore – food for zeds was easy to find. As for being dirty, two out of three ain’t bad, besides – she supposed she wouldn’t care much afterwards. Unexpected salvation comes in the form of Joshua Bender. Josh lives not far from where they are, and if she would like to come with him – he’d love to have her over for dinner.

When I read books by [author:Tonia Brown|3160763], I always switch my Kindle’s internal dictionary from ENGLISH (United States) to ENGLISH (United Kingdom). I do that with some other UK authors, mainly because I love learning the slang. (My goal – someday I’ll speak fluent UK slang, and will use it regularly). For Tonia, I have a different reason.
You know those words… you don’t hear them every day, you know what they mean, but… do you, really? Having a Kindle has made looking up words so easy. I find myself checking random words all the time, just to make sure that what I think I know is correct, and to learn other forms or uses of the word. Sometimes you know what a word probably means by the way it’s used. I look those up a lot with Tonia, too.
For TSO Southern Horror, the word was ‘tetchiness’
– “The kid’s voice was laced with tetchiness.”
TETCHY: Bad tempered; irritable

* – I feel like Beulah’s character has a touch of [book:Lucky Stiff|8515643]’s Madame Sangrail in her. Whether that’s the case or not – it gave me a warm fuzzy, and this close to Valentine’s Day, I think it’s time to go visit the Madame again, get a little ‘Peter’ in me!

¹ – For Tonia,
Thank you for the show out that you wrote for me before you met me! I got super excited and misread BUTCH as BUCK at first… My Uncle Buck (Buchanan) is a Wayne County Sheriff’s Deputy.

² – From //www.wisegeek.com/
A Sin-Eater is a traditional type of spiritual healer who uses a ritual to cleanse the dying of their sins. The sin-eater absorbs the sins of the people he or she serves and typically works for a fee.
As the sins are usually consumed through food and drink, the sin-eater also gains a meal through the transaction. Sin-eaters are often outcasts, as the work may be considered unsavory and is usually thought to lead to an afterlife in hell due to carrying the unabsolved sins of others. The Roman Catholic Church regularly excommunicated sin-eaters when they were more common, not only because of the excessive sins they carried, but also because they infringed upon the territory of priests, who are supposed to administer Last Rites to the dying according to Church Doctrine.

The sin-eater saves the dying not only from hell, but also from wandering the earth as a ghost – thereby performing a service for the living as well. In some traditions, sin-eaters perform their work for the moribund, while in others, the ritual takes place at the funeral. The sin-eater is usually associated with the British Isles, but there are analogous customs in other cultures as well.

A sin-eater typically consumes bread as part of the ritual of taking on the dying person’s sins. He or she may also eat salt or drink water or ale. Sometimes, special breads are baked for the purpose of the sin-eating ritual, perhaps featuring the initials or image of the deceased. The meal is sometimes passed over the dead or dying body or placed on its breast to symbolize its absorption of the person’s sins. The sin-eater may also recite a special prayer.

Some cultures have customs that are similar to sin-eating and may have evolved from more traditional forms of the ritual. Instead of a designated, outcast sin-eater serving a village, for example, the deceased’s nearest relatives may perform the service, as was once traditional in Bavaria and the Balkan Peninsula. In the Netherlands and some parts of England, ritual baked goods were given to the attendants or pallbearers at a funeral. This latter tradition lived on for a time in New York. Today, the custom of the sin-eater has largely died out, though it is often referenced in popular culture.

– Another article describes the Sin-Eater as someone who performs the service at little or no cost, with the meal itself being payment. To me, that seems like people are taking advantage of a shitty situation – the Sin-Eater‘s probable outcast status is likely to make him/her live like a hermit, lonely, broke, and probably hungry. The widowed are then perfectly positioned to get the service performed on their terms.
Things like this are why Hansel & Gretel got eaten! If people treated the witches/healers/wise-ones with respect instead of disdain – many outcomes would be more pleasant!!

³ – Again, for Tonia,
I’ve read this story before! It seems like it was a submission for the ZF/MDC [book:Hunger Pangs: Dark Confessions|16896514] anthology. I know you said your story didn’t make it in, for whatever reason, but – I distinctly remember… Whatever you told me your submission title was, I did not have it in the batch of stories I BETA’d for JK/SG. (All titles were given to me anonymously, no author names attached. We had this conversation after the final stories were chosen by the editors.)
So – WHERE HAVE I READ THIS?

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