American Horror Story Horror Series television

What You Need to Know Before Tonight’s AHS5: HOTEL Premiere

‘You can check out any time you like…’¬†

Less than one hour to go!! 

Who else is going ‘Gaga’ over tonight’s premiere?

Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel

American Horror Story: Hotel ¬†finally premieres tonight after months of anticipation. And with such a large cast and so many bizarre teasers, we understand if you’re slightly confused as to what exactly you can expect on the FX drama.

So before checking in to the Hotel Cortez, check out this primer on Hotel below.

Who will star:

Lady Gaga¬†as The Countess, the Hotel Cortez’s owner
Kathy Bates¬†as Iris, the hotel’s manager
Matt Bomer¬†as Donovan, The Countess’ lover and Iris’ son
Sarah Paulson¬†as Sally, one of the hotel’s resident junkies
Angela Bassett as Ramona Royale, an actress and former lover of The Countess
Wes Bentley as John Lowe, a detective investigating the 10 Commandments Killer
Chloe Sevigny¬†as Alex Lowe, John’s wife
Finn Wittrock as Tristan Duffy, a male model
Denis O’Hare¬†as Liz Taylor, a hotel employee
Max Greenfield as Gabriel, a Hollywood junkie
Cheyenne Jackson as Will Drake, a fashion icon
Evan Peters¬†as James March, the Hotel Cortez’s original builder
Naomi Campbell as a Vogue editor who insults The Countess
Lily Rabe as Aileen Wuornos, the famed serial killer
Mare Winningham¬†as Ms. Evers, the hotel’s laundress
Darren Criss as a hipster
Madchen Amick as a mother whose sick son receives treatment from Alex

How it’s connected to previous seasons:

Murder House‘s real estate agent Marcy (Christine Estabrook) will return inHotel‘s premiere when she gives Will Drake a tour of the Cortez. But she won’t be the only familiar face returning. According to creator¬†Ryan Murphy, fans will see people from previous seasons checking into the hotel as well.


What you can expect:

It’s going to be bloody:¬†Thanks to an ancient blood virus, The Countess and those in her adopted family crave the taste of human blood. But since she lacks vampiric fangs, The Countess uses a deadly tipped glove to slit her victim’s throats before they even know what’s happening.

She also puts a whole new spin on the phrase “bloodlust” when she and Donovan pick up a couple only to murder them mid-foursome. So if you’ve ever wanted to see Lady Gaga screw a dead guy while wearing nothing but pasties and a thong, you definitely won’t want to miss the premiere.

It feels like a real horror movie:¬†Not since¬†Murder House¬†has¬†American Horror Story¬†felt so closely aligned to actual horror. The first half of the premiere plays out like a movie, as we follow two Swedish girls whose stay at the Cortez quickly goes from bad to worse to deadly. And while¬†AHS¬†will always be loved for its campiness, it’s fun to see this extravagance balanced with classic horror tropes.

The mattress imagery will be explained right away:¬†No, it has nothing to do with¬†The Godfather. Or¬†You’ve Got Mail¬†for that matter. But all the mattress-focused teasers will be explained quickly. And once you find out just how true to the show this promo is, you’ll probably think twice about staying in a hotel again.

There’s more than one villain:¬†There are so many evil forces haunting the halls of the Cortez that it can be hard to keep track. But there’s one that is by far more frightening than all the rest: The Addiction Demon. If Rubber Man had a baby with the Infantata, and that baby had a conical drill bit for a penis, then that would be the Hotel’s new monster, which preys on those suffering from addiction.

On the less supernatural side of things, there is also the 10 Commandments Killer, whose Bible-inspired murders are particularly gruesome (think: penis glued inside a dead girl, eyeballs in an ashtray). John Lowe is first lured to the Cortez by a call from the killer, who seems particularly interested in the detective’s life.

The Countess has her fair share of enemies: After being taken in by The Countess in 1994, Donovan has stood loyally by her side. That is, until he finds himself kicked to the curb when The Countess trades him in for a younger, hipper model, Tristan Duffy.

Donovan doesn’t take this spurn lightly, and he isn’t the only one of The Countess’ exes out for revenge. He teams up with another one of The Countess’ former flings, actress Ramona Royale, to get vengeance against the bloodsucking diva.

Watch the cast talk about The Countess’ twisted romances below.

There’s a new man in charge:¬†Unbeknownst to anybody except The Countess, the Cortez changes hands in the premiere when New York designer Will Drake buys it and moves in with his son Lachlan. Will hopes the hotel’s unique energy will help reignite his creative flame, but little does he know just how unique the Cortez is.

And since his arrogant behavior quickly makes enemies of the other residents and employees, Will better watch his back – and keep his son away from The Countess. The fashionista proves she isn’t above recruiting other people’s children into her bloodsucking family.

Not every character is what they seem:¬†Much like¬†Murder House,¬†Hotel¬†leaves you unsure of which of the characters are alive, which are dead and which aren’t quite human. And by the end of the premiere, at least one character’s surprising origin will be revealed.

Get ready for the most disturbing scene yet:

We have seen some terrible things go down on American Horror Story, but trust us when we say that nothing will prepare you for this one. The premiere features an incredibly graphic scene between Gabriel, Sally and The Addiction Demon, who puts its drill bit dildo to horrifying use.

Mr. March is taking cues from H.H. Holmes:¬†Much like H.H. Holmes, who built Chicago’s notorious Murder Hotel during the World’s Fair, James March is a charming, but psychopathic killer who designed the Hotel Cortez specifically to hide his murderous schemes. So while the Cortez is a beautiful art deco building, it’s also a labyrinth of secret rooms, dead ends and shafts. Exactly what Mr. March used these nefarious additions for will be explained when¬†Hotel¬†flashes back to the 1930s.


The Halloween episode will be epic:

As always, Horror Story is going all out for Halloween in another anticipated two-parter. The first hour will follow John to a dinner party from hell at the Hotel. (Fingers crossed Alison DuBois will be in attendance.) The other attendees include a handful of famous serial killers, including John Wayne Gacy and Aileen Wuornos, and poor, innocent John mistakenly thinks the entire event is an elaborate prank.

The second part will feature Darren Criss as a hipster who checks into the Cortez with his girlfriend to avoid trick-or-treaters. And unfortunately for them, their elitist attitudes and constant demands inspire the wrath of manager Iris.

Stay away from Room 64:

You know you’ve done something to piss Iris off if she’s assigned you Room 64. Back when the Cortez was originally built, mass murderer James March chose Room 64 as his office. In current day, it has become a playground for deadly mischief, including some of the resident bloodsuckers and The Addiction Demon.

Iris and Sally have a twisted history:¬†As Kathy Bates¬†told us, Iris absolutely loathes Sally because “she’s vile, she’s trash as far as Iris is concerned.” But this hatred of Sally goes far deeper than looking down on Sally’s addictions and it will be revealed by the end of the premiere.

John is deeply connected to the hotel:¬†At first, it seems John has no connection to the Cortez or any of its inhabitants. However, as John investigates a series of murders, the killer’s taunting phone calls lead him directly to the Cortez. And it’s the ongoing threat this killer poses to John’s family that eventually inspires him to move into the hotel’s dangerous Room 64 on a semi-permanent basis.

Is this exactly what the killer wanted? Most likely. Is the killer tied to a tragedy in John’s past? Probably. But the killer isn’t the only thing tying John to the Cortez. Under its roof, John will also find a link to a loss he suffered in 2010 living directly under his nose.

Horror Humor Shenanigans TV

Pledging Kappa Kappa Tau



The pilot is available to stream on Amazon FOR FREE.

Catch last Tuesday’s¬†premiere¬†HERE.

Wallace University is rocked by a string of murders. Kappa House, the most sought-after sorority for pledges, is ruled with an iron fist (in a pink glove) by its Queen Bitch, Chanel Oberlin (Emma Roberts). But when anti-Kappa Dean Cathy Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) decrees that sorority pledging must be open to all students, and not just the school’s silver-spooned elite, all hell is about to break loose, as a devil-clad killer begins wreaking havoc, claiming one victim, one episode at a time. Part black comedy, part slasher flick, SCREAM QUEENS is a modern take on the classic whodunit, in which every character has a motive for murder… Or could easily be the next blood-soaked casualty.

Emma Roberts is not my favorite person in the world, (not because of her AHS roles, but because of who she is as a person), but I couldn’t have cast a better actress to play the Queen Bitch On Campus – Chanel Oberlin. Cathy Munsch, the Dean of Wallace University, is played by actual scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis – and she is at the top of her game! (Still a babe, too.) One of Chanel’s little minions is played by Zombie Land’s Abigail Breslin, and it took me half of the pilot episode to figure out where I knew her from. You’ll recognize many more Scream Queens – so don’t let me spoil all the fun! (True Blood beefcake, a brother from a boy-band, and a Reno 911alum… just to name a few!)

“Shut up,¬†you don’t die from¬†getting your face burned off.”

~ Chanel Oberlin

Scream Queens is ‘campy’, it’s over the top, and packed full of iconic horror references – making me sad that I watched it alone, not having a person next to me to punch with excitement every time I caught something, or just wanted to fall off the bed laughing.


Book Reviews Horror Humor PicArt / PicEdit


“Every day’s a sunshiny day when you don’t have maggots and spiders eating your guts.” -Stanley Dabernath


Stanley Dabernath is nobody special. He’s just a regular guy, who hates every minute of his miserable existence. $60,000 in debt, eating ramen noodles three times a day, and recently homeless since he just got evicted from his apartment.
His video distribution company, Demented Whackos, should have made him a millionaire, not a 35 year old man who lives where he works, and steals booze from his parent’s house. He won’t give up, though! All he needs is one sicko product to put Demented Whackos Video on the map, and he’s working on that project right now!


EXTREME FISHING is going to be a hit, he can feel it! Heavy metal music, gratuitous T & A, explosions, beatings, and of course… buckets of blood & guts! THIS is going to be the one, EXTREME FISHING is going to turn things around for poor Stanley Dabernath! Things might not be so bad for him after all, and he starts to feel better than he has in a very long time. Hey, he even jumped out of of the way and avoided being hit by the semi-truck that was barreling towards him! Quick moves! Nice going, Stanley!
Too bad his luck hadn’t changed completely. The truck, the same one that narrowly missed hitting Stanley, tipped over and crashed down on his left foot. If his luck had changed just a bit more, then he would have limped away. Sadly, Life said “Hahaha! Nope!”
Stanley found no humor in his situation as the truck spilled it’s contents all over him, and he drowned right there.
In milk.

Breaking News!
Breaking News!

BIZARRE REALITY is taking a huge chance by airing a prime time TV special – LIVE. They have Project Second Chance as a guest, and have spent major cash advertising tonight’s show. “Witness the very first resurrection of a human corpse on LIVE TV!”
No spoilers here, really. If it didn’t work, we wouldn’t have a story! The corpse is Stanley Dabernath, and the scientists have successfully reanimated him for the entire viewing audience.
He’s alive… ALIVE! Muah-ha-ha-ha…
Alive, but not without some damage – he had started to decay a bit, so his coloring is kind of grey, and he smells none too fresh. You don’t need to be pretty to become a huge celebrity these days, and that’s exactly what Stanley has become. A celebrity with hated a nickname! The press started calling him ‘The Incredible Mr. Corpse’, then the world follows suit. Despite the new moniker, Mr. Corpse has finally made it. Fame, wealth, groupies… he’s living the dream. He even has a personal assistant, Veronica, to help him adjust to the lifestyle. She’s earning her salary, though – You can take the life out of Stanley, but you can’t remove the personality!
The story follows the transformation – from Stanley to The Incredible Mr. Corpse. Then… the annoying Mr. Corpse, the big-headed Mr. Corpse, the impossible Mr. Corpse… Eventually, the curious Mr. Corpse realizes that Project Second Chance may not be what they seem.

This is another novel by Jeff Strand that kept me laughing from start to finish. It’s dedicated to his wife, and I’ve often wondered if all of these characters stem from his everyday sense of humor. She must be cracking up all the time! Or, on the verge of smothering him with a pillow ūüėČ
Along with Stanley’s shenanigans and smart assery, there are very serious, and sometimes uncomfortable moments. It wouldn’t be a true Strand story if it didn’t make me shed a few tears. Stanley grew as a person when he became a ‘zombie’. He has to learn things the hard way, but he’s a guy that I would love to know IRL, (if he picks up that deodorant gig!).


I don’t know what Stanley’s assistant, Veronica, is thinking – Stanley is VERY quotable…

“If you eat me, you’ll just be a cannibal! And that’s shameful! Nobody likes cannibals!”

Gleefully Macabre



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