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A BLAST FROM THE PAST! Revisiting A VERY STRANGEHOUSE CHRISTMAS

Published December 25, 2016 by Shadow Girl

* originally published for the 2013 Holiday Horror Binge & Purge event on DECEMBER 29, 2013

I’ve completed my [Goodreads] ˙·٠•●♥ 2013 Reading Challenge ♥●•٠·˙ – (ahead of schedule, and beyond my personal goal – go, me!) But, I’m still sitting here wishing I had read so much more! I need more time! More hours in the day, more days in the week… UGH! It’s so frustrating!
I started reading titles from StrangeHouse Books in 2013, and I wish I could say that I’m ending this year all caught up, that I’ve devoured them all quicker than a Cannibal in Fat Camp! ::sigh:: That, however, is not the case. But, it gives me a goal for 2014!!

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A Very StrangeHouse Christmas

“This collection of 9 twisted tales of Christmas horror brings together weirdo literary talent from around the world, all with the sole purpose of turning the most sacred of holidays on its head, and making sweet, sweet love to its defenseless ear holes!”

“Join SHB ring leader Kevin Strange, as well as StrangeHouse anthology alumni Rich Bottles Jr., Jesse Wheeler, KM Tepe, and newcomers like Lindsey Goddard and MP Johnson on this sometimes magical, always fucked up journey to the north pole. We promise you’ll never look at Christmas the same way ever again!”

For last year’s ‘HOLIDAY HORROR BINGE & PURGE’ event, my main Holiday book to read, and review, was A HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE. (It turned out to be a book of all holidays, not just Christmas, but ‘Irreverent Merriment, Diabolical Debauchery, and Gory Good Times‘ were had by all!!) Hacked Up HOLIDAY This year, I started earlier and got to fit in many more books from my holiday horror wish list. Two of this year’s reads are fighting for the top spot on my Happy List – A Very StrangeHouse Christmas is one of the two.

INTRODUCTION:  Kevin Strange

Kafka’s Run by Billy Tea:
The Kafka’s are Gift Heads & they’re in the run. Gift Heads are a slave race to the fat man. Raised in prison camps, tended to by elves, and eventually beheaded when they reach maturity. Their severed gift-heads are offered as sacrifice to appease the tiny Earth Gods. Fantastic story.
KafkasRun

Do Not Buy by MP Johnson:
A ‘Tickle This’ kind of story! Quick, gross, and wonderful!
ElmoAboutToGETTickled

The Unlisted by Jesse Wheeler:
YOU WANT NAUGHTY? You got it with this story! Sex, debauchery, violence, & more!

Image from the security camera in the Women's Plus Size dressing rooms

Image from the security camera in the Women’s Plus Size dressing rooms

Things in here had me cracking up (in between a gag, or a cringe) – one hilarious fact about these elves… they shit the cookie dough that Mrs. Claus bakes for Santa. When TSHTF, there’s a line about an elf who got so scared “he nearly nogged his pants”!! (It makes perfect sense that they pee egg nog, if they shit dough, right?!) WARM & FRESH!

Dear Santa Claus by K.M. Tepe:
A letter to Santa from the Naughty K.M. Tepe – If I were the fat man, I’d make sure every item on that list was specially delivered with added bows made of cash…

Think twice before leaving me coal again, ya Prick!!

Think twice before leaving me coal again, ya Prick!!

*Message for K.M. Tepe:
Ever since I opened up my very first MySpace account, I’ve used the same line in the About Me section of practically every account – still using it today.
After reading your bio in the back of this book, I just wanted to make a note of it just in case you see it yourself somewhere. There’s no “This town ain’t big enough fir the both of us” reasoning or mentality behind this note – It’s more like a brunch invitation! If you’re ever in Detroit, look me up… we can hang out in the alley behind Poetry Slam, guzzling coffee, and poking the corpse of Wino Willie!

Blood On The Highway by Lindsey Goddard:
The anguish of a mother’s loss is not bound by species.
A woman, her husband, and his brother are driving through a terrible storm, on they’re way for what was supposed to be a relaxing holiday. This is a very good SS! I’m hoping that Lindsey sees this and can recommend a better pic – one that looks like the inside of her brain!

This is an image that I found on a Google Image Search - It does not reflect the authors imagery in any way

*This is an image that I found on a Google Image Search – It does not reflect the authors imagery in any way

Kathi the Sexy Elf by Rich Bottles Jr.:
A department store Santa, who is following in his dad’s footprints as the jolly fat man for the same store, decides to do something remarkably sweet for his ‘Helper’ this year. The helper, Kathi, makes a very sexy elf, and she has some surprises of her own in store for Santa…
images-4-1
I can’t wait to read some of the stories in Rich’s ‘humorrorotica‘ genre! Some links are provided at the bottom.

Christmas with the Family by Jonathan Byrd:
This one should be called “A FUCKED UP FAMILY CHRISTMAS”.
Other Jonathan Byrd titles on Amazon include –
BIG, The Jar, UNSHACKLED, and The Mommies Club. But, after reading this short, I’m not entirely convinced that it’s the same guy!! 🙂

The Witch who Fucked Christmas by Kevin Strange:
This story is a tie in to one of Kev’s movies, but it stands alone just fine.
Set in STRANGEVILLE, ILLINOIS, a worn out & broke down Santa is about to go head to head with The Hag of Horrors herself – Sasparilla, The Weed Witch. The victor will hold the bag that contains all the magic of Christmas. But, you can’t expect the Hag of Horrors to play fair… can you?
Nixon and Hogan Smoke Christmas YouTube trailer
Hack Films / Kevin Strange on YouTube

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday by Mike Lombardo:
Save the best for last, Kev? Yeah. I’m going to get this review posted, then go slit my wrists. xxoo 

After Notes, Links, & Other Randomly Strange[House] Fun

I’ve been adding and updating this section since the original post, and I’m still not finished.
I would like to include as much info as possible for each author that is/was involved with SHB while the books below were published.
This section will eventually become a StrangeHouse Spotlight Page
**If YOU are one of those authors, please – contact me! I’d like to post any info/links that you would like fans to know about!!***

Check out the StrangeHouseBooks blog on WordPress
‘LIKE’ StrangeHouseBooks on Facebook

A VERY STRANGEHOUSE CHRISTMAS on Goodreads
Kevin Strange on Goodreads
K.M. Tepe on Goodreads
Rich Bottles Jr. on Goodreads
Mike Lombardo on Goodreads
Lindsey Goddard on Goodreads
Jesse Wheeler on Goodreads
Billy Tea on Goodreads
M.P. Johnson on Goodreads
Jonathan Byrd on Goodreads

DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW KEVIN STRANGE?
Take this quiz and find out!! Post your results in the comments, I’d love to see them – I’ll Make sure that I get a link to Kevin, so he can see your results, too!

MORE SHB ANTHOLOGIES – GET SOME STRANGE!
The Last Gig On Planet Earth And Other Strange Stories
Strange Sex
Strange Versus Lovecraft
Tales of Questionable Taste
Zombie! Zombie! Brain Bang!
Scary Fucking Stories: A Strange Collection

VOYEURISM, in 140 characters or less –
@_StrangeHouse
@kevinthestrange
@freaktension
@BillyTea_AMDAD
@tusitalabruni
@SFerrariFOS

Other Books from Rich Bottles Jr.
LUMBERJACKED
“[…] makes Deliverance look like a family raft trip down the Lower Gauley”
Hellhole West Virginia
“Eco-friendly vampires, beach-yearning zombies and sex-starved she-devils.”
The Manacled
“What happens when twin brothers lease out the former West Virginia State Penitentiary with the false purpose of filming a documentary on supernatural phenomena, but their true intention is to make a pornographic movie? Chaos ensues as the disturbed spirits of murdered convicts, along with the reanimated dead from the neighboring Indian Burial Mound, take their vengeance on the unwary and undressed trespassers. Zombies, ghosts, mobsters and porn collide in this bizarro tale from horror author Rich Bottles Jr.”
*I HAVE TO GET THIS BOOK!* (Update – Rich sent me a copy of this, along with some awesome author swag! Thanks, Rich!!)

Check out ‘Gross-Out Author’ Jesse Wheeler’s Dinner at the Vomitropolis – I have this, but haven’t had the nerve to start reading it yet.

The Big Book of Bizarro
The Big Book of Bizarro Erotica Collection
The Big Book of Bizarro Horror Collection
The Big Book of Bizarro Sci-Fi & Fantasy Collection

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Visit the official website of Mike Lombardo’s Reel Splatter Productions! They’re a small independent horror-comedy troupe based out of Lancaster, Pennsylvania whose goal is to prove artistic expression can involve necrophilia & chainsaws! Visit RSP now, and see some horrible monstrosities commit unspeakable acts! YAY!!

http://www.ReelSplatter.com | Facebook.com/ReelSplatter

Writer/Director/FX Artist and author of this book’s SS titled I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY – Mike “Dr.Chud” Lombardo just released THE STALL on DVD and it is ready to ship!
It’s the story of a young pizza shop employee whi finds himself trapped in a public restroom during the Lovecraftian apocalypse. The DVD contains buckets of exclusive bloody extras that aren’t available on YouTube.

A Hacked-Up Holiday Massacre: Halloween is Going to be Jealous on Amazon

A Very StrangeHouse Christmas on Amazon

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ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG! – An anthology from SHB

Published September 8, 2014 by Shadow Girl

zzbb

OZ by Brian Williams
Brilliant story! Why it hasn’t been written before now is a mystery to me. Maybe it’s because of that pesky ‘Going straight to Hell’ thing (?) I don’t know. It’s written now, and I’m pleased to know that I’ll be hanging out with Brian Williams when I die. I’ve heard that the coffee shops in Hades are lovely.

zombiejesus

BABY ARMOUR by D.F. Noble
A Nascar fan with a gaggle of babies finds the perfect way to get some money. Never mind how drunk he was when he came up with the plan. Not for sensitive readers – take the title literally, and read at your own risk. I can seperate IRL from fiction, and I cringed – while giggling.

dfnoble

PLAY PLACE by Mike Lombardo
Those playscapes at Mickey D’s are disgusting pits of children’s ooze, but this one turned out to be a safe haven for the workers when the SHTF. How long do you think you could survive in the claustrophobic tunnels before you could escape safely, or the zeds got to you?

THIS is how you look to the zombies!!

THIS is how you look to the zombies!!

FLUSH by K.M. Tepe
This one is terrifying. I always look in the toilet now, especially since the spider incident of ’91. This brought back all those rational/irrational fears. I grew to love the little sister in this story, and can picture them growing up in a few years – into a Sam & Dean Winchester relationship, and business.

THE JOB by Quinn Hernandez
A zombie hunter with a low moral code will get rid of your dead kid problem… because the younger they are, the more profit he gets. As long as they’re still undead upon delivery. Hey – it’s a dog eat dog world these days!

HUMMANIFACTION by Mandy DeGeit
This is a really interesting ss – and I’m a little torn about telling you about it, or letting you read it to find out yourself. It’s very short, so I think I’ll let you read it without any spoilers. The title makes sense 😉

FELICITY MARMADUKE by Rich Bottles Jr.
Felicity is a bit fucked in the head, but not enough to be punished the way that she was. A morgue worker who got a bit frisky had the unthinkable happen to her. While trying to fix the situation, she was a little too free with her speech. An unfortunate thing, because her doctor ratted her out.

UNDYING URGES by Jesse Wheeler
Henry is quite into his necrophilia. In fact, he’s pretty sick compared to other necros I’ve read about. Frugal to a fault, he looks longingly at his gooey puddle o’ Brenda with affection, and decides to give her one more round on the Henry stick before disposing of her. It’s only now that he realizes how special she is.

SALTY by Justin Roberts
Oh, balls. This zombie story is close to my reason for human infection. Not close enough for me to not finish it, but… Bath Salts is an awesome segue ever since the Florida Face Eater.
Besides… I like saying ‘balls’ at numerous times throughout the day.
Kenny, and Stanley are trying Bath Salts for the first time. Kenny’s experience is a bit more enjoyable than Stanley’s!

PACK-RAT or –
THE WAY OF ALL FLESH – A Parable by John Bruni
This feels like a true love story 웃❤유
These zombies are not like the movies, and it’s not Humans VS Zeds.

RIGHTS OF THE LIVING DEAD by David Hayes
Karen works at The Careful Solutions Abortion Clinic. When the SHTF, you can imagine what type of reanimated corpses invade Karen’s Territorial Bubble!

ZOMBIES OF EAST JESUS by Jesse Wheeler
The zombies came because those damn fool kids never learn. No respect for other people’s property, and an urge to see some boobs brought on the apocalypse. I could think of worse things.

http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Brain-Bang-Strange-Anthology/dp/1480214841/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

Weird Wednesdays of Summer

Published July 9, 2014 by Shadow Girl

SHB’s Slaughter Summer 2014 is upon us!

Week 1 of Slaughter Summer

Over the next six weeks, they’ll be giving away three free eBooks, followed by the release of three brand new, (highly anticipated), SHB titles, all in the summer of 2014! This week’s promo runs until Sunday July 14th.

Rejected cover art - traumatizing to adult readers.

Rejected cover art – traumatizing to adult readers.

Keven Strange kicks off the event with his dystopian fantasy novelette THE HUMANS UNDER THE BED. It’s been described as “Monsters, Inc. meets Full Metal Jacket if directed by David Cronenberg.”

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500 years after monsters wiped out the human race, a quiet calm has settled over the population of nightmare creatures that go bump in the night. They work their monster jobs, raise their monster families, tend to their monster homes, and generally enjoy the peace and prosperity of life without their sworn enemies, the human scourge, that so blighted the land for so many centuries.
In fact, the only inhabitants of this new monster world that even still speak of human kind are the children who share hushed secret fairy tales about evil humans coming up from underneath their beds, pulling the little monsters to their deaths. But of course these are just stories. Of course all the awful humans are dead. Or are they?

Get Some

New Releases from SHB

TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE by John Bruni

Published May 25, 2014 by Shadow Girl

Tales of Questionable Taste

Publication Date: April 2, 2013
Purchase Date: April 15, 2013
So…WTF happened, self? What took you an entire YEAR to have a discussion about this book?
::smh:: w/ ::finger of shame::

For fans of the bizarre, the weird, the strange, StrangeHouse Books brings you a whirlwind of eighteen tales sure to amuse, confuse, horrify and leave you questioning your lack of taste. From the warped synapses of John Bruni come stories of the destruction of earth, via a humongous totally nude man in space, a portal to another dimension inside of an office worker’s desk, a sordid love affair between two nefarious euthanasia enthusiasts, and many other yarns that span from psychological terror, to comedy, to downright disgusting!

This is another great collection of SS put out by SHB – all from author John Bruni. I first read Bruni during my HOLIDAY HORROR – Binge & Purge Christmas of 2012. His story FAMILY MAN is in the HACKED UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE anthology, and I really liked it – it’s pulls off a great twist that shorts usually aren’t able to accomplish. Remembering that, I knew that this book was going to be a fun read for me!

I really, REALLY love that the author added a section at the end of the book where he talks a little bit on each story. It makes it feel a little more personal, like I got to chat with him a bit.

One last thing before I tell you about these tales –
I’m finding that a reoccurring thought comes into my brain every time I read a Strange House anthology. There is always one short that I want more of. Usually, there’s already more story there – and it’s dying to be released!
In this collection from John Bruni, it’s THE SKYSCRAPER OF FORBIDDEN DELIGHT.
It’s already a kick ass story, and my favorite in this book – but it could be extended to novel length! There are at least 92 potential chapters, but there would have to be more innocent victims, ahem, I mean characters.
It would be twisted!
Here’s my million dollar idea for tonight – John Bruni paired up with Justin Roberts. Have a mash up of Bruni’s THE SKYSCRAPER OF FORBIDDEN DELIGHT with Roberts’ VAGARY ❤ The Skyscraper could be called The Palace… think about it, guys! ::nudge nudge::

THE SPACE IN THE BOTTOM OF MARTIN OGLESBY’S DESK DRAWER:
Martin’s desk drawer just went all Twilight Zone, and he’s trying to get some help troubleshooting the problem. I laughed out loud a few times, wishing I had access to something like this!!

OUTSIDE HER WINDOW, IT WAITS:
Seth is touched by a picture drawn for him by his g/f, Esmeralda. Not just emotionally ‘touched’ – like ‘Aw, that’s sweet’, but, touched at more of a gut level. When she tells him that the picture is drawn from something that happened to her when she was younger, he starts to question her sanity. By the end of the story, though… he’s questioning his own!
*Noted that this was ‘Inspired by Nicole Evans’

MONSTER COCK:
It’s a bird!
It’s a plane!
Nope. It’s a giant naked man, and he’s hurtling through space – headed straight towards Earth!
This man with the giant cock, and TS Elliot, inspired the street poet’s graffiti found at the end of the world – their own variation of “This is the way the world ends… ” and TEOTWAWKI is not quite as poetic as we’d hoped!

AMBER:
Ahh, Amber Weston.
Mrs. Amber Weston.
Married, but quite a looker! Many a man has dreamed of Amber, but nobody dares to do more than dream… until now.
Mikey, Mikey… tsk tsk.
What have you gotten yourself into?

RIDING THE MIDNIGHT GLOOM:
A wrong turn in a bizarre heroin trip leads to corporeal banishment and a world of isolation & darkness.

You can listen to RIDING THE MIDNIGHT GLOOM on LiquidImagination – narrated by Bob Eccles. I didn’t like it at first, the narration, (He sounds like Your Host Bill Curtis, or the narrator from Anchorman), but it/he grew on me by the end of the story.

VIRTUOSO:
The B! True Hollywood Story of Vinnie Delva.
Vinnie Delva was born with a bizarre deformity, and in spite of all the bullying & bullshit growing up – he made the deformity his bitch, and became a star. B! follows him from childhood, to his biography with Kurt Loader, to his tragic end. Never before revealed details about his family, and his dark times. Tune in tonight at 9:00 p.m.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES (with Nicole Evans):
This is what happens when two sociopaths with the same agenda accidentally meet, and try to play their regular games on each other.

FAMILY MAN:
Did you know that John Bruni’s favorite author is Joe R. Lansdale? He’s mentioned it once or twice.
This is a Halloween short, written for the anthology I mentioned earlier – A HACKED UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE.

PIMP OF THE LIVING DEAD (as Jack F. Graves):
I learned the term ‘Catalepsy’ in this story. (In fact, I’ve looked up a few great words while reading this book!)
You’ll figure out the definition when you read this short story about a pathologist who takes special care of his living clientele, as well as the dead.

CORPUSPLASTY™ :
ANYONE WHO SAYS THEY DON’T WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL IS A LIAR. Beauty is something we all want, in one form or another. If you just happened to stumble across the person who made you, and made you less than unsightly, what would be the first thing you’d do?
I hope I’d do exactly what the man in this SS does.

A PLACE TO BE:
This one has struck a familiar chord, but I’m still playing Name That Tune – I don’t know what it is. I’m left feeling a little melancholy – with no reason.
Sam has been wandering the states, living from town to town, since he left Vietnam. Now that he’s reached 50, it’s time to think about settling down. As if the Universe willed it, he runs into an old buddy from the war. Phil offers Sam a place to settle himself, a shangri-la for their kind, and it won’t cost a thing.
But, nothing ever comes for free.

SHRINK:
Chuck is having some anger management issues, and whether he thinks that’s true or not – the judge agrees. His counseling leads him to a new age healer, who helps Chuck separate himself from his anger. But, being without his anger leaves him unprepared when he has to deal with it face to face!

TIMELY:
Peter is sick of his time being wasted, wasted by borish bosses and whorish exes. Wasted in by traffic stops, and in traffic itself. He soon realizes how much time he’s wasting by eating, sleeping, and even using the bathroom – and he soon finds a way to bypass all these distractions.

BASEBALL PLAYERS ARE A SUPERSTITIOUS LOT:
It’s true, but is it really superstition if it displays positive results each and every time? Well, positive for almost everyone…

SLUMMIN’ IT:
What would you give to have a vacation like no other? An experience that’s completely unique, only thought of in the
darkest corners of your mind…

A NIGHT IN THE UNLIFE:
I still have a soft spot for vamps, and I really like this SS. –
In a world where Vampires are the citizens, most aspects of life would essentially stay the same – they’d just happen in a darker atmosphere. There would still be cook-outs, and friendly neighbors. Brothers and sisters would still annoy each other. But, if one of the kids goes missing… who is the bad guy, and where can he be found?

YUM:
Det. Cameron Laurich is Bruni’s – black & white, cigarette smoking ‘Private Dick’ who uses words like ‘Toots’, and ‘gams’…
Ok, that’s bullshit. But, it is Bruni’s cop. This is our only glimpse of him, so far. But – hopefully we’ll get to see what kind of guy he is in the future. Until then, here’s what Detective Laurich knows about what happened at Lucy Jones’ husband’s funeral..

THE SKYSCRAPER OF FORBIDDEN DELIGHT:
George Penderghast is having a rough day.
He feels the tension on his neck, and the familiar pangs of a headache trying to creep in.
“Just admit we’re lost, George”…
He grinds his teeth & grips the wheel tighter, trying to tune out the words of the self-proclaimed ‘Sidewalk-Superintendent’ riding shotgun.
He’s driving through a semi-rough looking area, with his wife in the passenger seat, and two sons in the back. He thinks “..this family ‘vakay’ is turning out to be anything BUT relaxing…”
“I have to go to the bathroom!”
“…if I killed ’em all, I wouldn’t have to pay child support…”
It isn’t a serious thought. He loves his wife Ellen, and his
boys, Jordan & Denny, are his world. “…once I get on the freeway, we’ll get back on schedule and…”
His thoughts are interrupted when his car is being pelted with rocks and bottles. Now… he’s really fuckin pissed!
Anybody who’s ever seen a horror movie, or heard an Urban Legend, KNOWS – If you’re driving in a shitty area, at night, and people start messing with you… DO NOT STOP! Well, everybody BUT George knows this.
He stops, he gets out, and if he thought his day was rough before… he’s in for an obnoxious wake up call! His day is about to become worse that he could have ever imagined!

When George regains consciousness, he’s in the basement of a multi-storied den of debauchery straight out of the Penthouse Forum for Sexually Psychotic, and his wife & kids are on one of the levels above him.
With each level catering to a different fetish, (sledgehammers & infants – Level 35. Going down?) and 92 floors to choose from, George bears witness to depravity beyond comprehension, but he’s not leaving without his family!

About the Author
John Bruni’s work has appeared in a variety of anthologies, most notably in VILE THINGS from Comet Press, A HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE from Pill Hill, and ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG! from StrangeHouse Books. His stories have also been published in SHROUD, CTHULHU SEX, MORPHEUS TALES, and a number of other magazines. He was the editor of TABARD INN: TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE, and he is the author of a crime novel, STRIP, from Musa Publishing. Check out his website at talesofquestionabletaste.com, his blog at talesofunspeakabletaste.blogspot.com, and follow him on Twitter at @tusitalabruni, if you have the testicular fortitude. He lives, drinks, and fucks in Elmhurst, IL

Amazon notes Jesse Wheeler as Illustrator

Tales of Questionable Taste on Amazon
TalesOfQuestionableTaste.com
TalesOfUnspeakableTaste.blogspot.com
Follow John Bruni on Twitter – @tusitalabruni

STRIP
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and when a team of unlikely criminals band together for an audacious score, everything is bound to go off the rails. A broke strip club announcer, an ex-con bodybuilder, a meth-head drag racer, and a career criminal have set their eyes on the local strip club, where a safe full of millions of dollars in cash awaits them. What none of them know is that the place is under surveillance by police officers intent on busting the Mafioso owner . . . .

HACKED UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE

Strange Sex

http://www.strangehousebooks.com/about/

@_StrangeHouse

Beer Run of the Dead by D.F. Noble

Published May 5, 2014 by Shadow Girl

♬ It’s the end of the world as we know it, where can I get a dime?♬

Original cover from StrangeHouseBooks

Original cover from StrangeHouseBooks

☣ ☣ ☣ ☣ ☣ 5/5 Biohazards for BRotD

Action packed dumbass, zombie killing, booze hounding, jiggly tits, of action full of super action! Beer Run of the Dead is the first book in a series sure to quench your thirst.
Follow Kip, Rock and Steady, as they struggle to survive and stay completely shit faced in the face of certain undead doom. These three unlikely heroes hold the key to humanity’s salvation, but will they succeed being inebriated as they are? Not everyone who saves the world is a rocket scientist, a super hero, or a handsome actor turned politician. Sometimes people who save the world… they’re fucking idiots.

New beer label cover from Rooster Republic Press

New beer label cover from Rooster Republic Press

I really gotta tell ya, I’ve been a bit zombied out lately. Add to that the fact that I can’t get the end to my zombie SS written, and… it kind of bums me out. SOO… it took me a little while to open this book up. But, once I did – I couldn’t put it down!
Beer Run Of The Dead has made it’s way into my top five favorite zombie stories. Ever. (Sharing spots with Tonia, and Cal – you know who I go on and on about!).
The saviors of mankind in this story, our warriors of booze & justice, are Rock, Steady, & Kip – these are friends of yours. Whether you know them now, or knew them in your past, I’ll bet that at least 80% of us picture that friend when reading this. Take a bit of everyone’s favorite unlikely hero – Ash, (Bruce Campbell), get him FUBAR, and then double the humor – and that’s what I want you to expect when you start BRotD.
I don’t know what else to tell you about the plot without ruining the story for you, but I think what has already been said in the synopsis is enough. I made so many notes and highlights while reading – but I can’t let you in on all of it!! I can’t NOT touch on some of it, though.
Soft warning here… (not like an EBS warning, more like the required weekly test of the EBS.) The remainder of this post contains bits that are kind of spoilers – but only spoilers for scenes, not spoilers for the story line.

Some of my favorite things in this book…

There is a ‘shit & slide’ – (you’ll see!), Cartman quotes, and a woman who gets beat with her own dildo – (and loses her teeth from it)!
Kip’s mom has a muscley bf, who is like any newcomer into a relationship with a teenager – he is trying way to hard to be buddy-buddy, and trying even harder to be cool. That makes him an instant d-bag, you know the type. He is gonna be a bro! Well, first thing he does is shotguns a hit of his joint to Kip, and his reaction is the first thing that had me dying. Kip goes to his room alone & thinks

“My head feels like an electric blanket with a fan blowing. Fuck I’m hungry. Fuck I wanna nap. Maybe I should call grandma sometime, it’s been a while…”

– I’m just cracking up – I know your pain, bro!!

Here’s something to let you into my head, to show how goofy my brain works…
In chapter 3, (at about 9% in) -when TSHTF, there’s a line that says… “A thick wall of smoke rolls steadily down the street…”
I highlighted ‘smoke rolls steadily down the street…’, and I made a note so I’d remember to tell you guys (and the author) that I automatically sang that to QUEEN’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’. I had it stuck in my head for the rest of the day, and now that I’m re-living the moment… it’s back. So… this is your mandatory ear-rape. Now you’ll have it stuck in your head, too.
Not long after the Jock Jams 57 sing-a-long, still at about nine percent, there is a scene that had me literally laughing out loud, and I had to read it to my husband –
The scene itself is utterly hilarious.
Add the fact that I’ve been working a full time McJob since the GM layoffs and it turned to pure comedy gold!

There is a guy ordering breakfast in the drive-thru of a fast food joint. The customer, Mike, is the epitome of ‘that guy’. The asshole customer who wants something to be wrong, so he can bitch. If there is nothing wrong, he’ll make something up. (Remember… TSHTF moment has already begun, things are blowing up, sirens going off – and he’s pissed about having to wait to order). Already irrationally upset, when he orders a Coke but the place only carries Pepsi – he starts to lose his shit, and then the real fun begins!

“Is Pepsi all right?”
“What? No, I won’t drink that shit. Give me a Sprite instead.”
“Is Sierra Mist okay?”
“Are you fucking serious? What is this shit?”
“So, a Sierra Mist?”
“No, I said are you seri—“
“One Sierra Mist, got it. So we have two biscuits and gravy, two hash—“
“I don’t want a goddamn Sierra Mist! Listen, jackass, I want—“
This time, it isn’t the pimple-faced kid on the other side of the speaker distracting the Cardinals fan, but an ambulance that comes wailing down the street from out of nowhere. Weaving in and out of traffic, the thing is all over the road, hopping the curb before finally nailing a car at the intersection. Glass shatters, metal buckles, and the car does a near three-sixty before colliding with oncoming traffic.
“Frikkin’ shit!” the Cardinals fan exclaims.
“Sorry sir, we don’t carry Mr. Pibb.” (bah ha ha!)
– stuff happens, more stuff happens, and then…
“What the fuck is going on…” the Cardinals fan softly moans, from the relative safety of his car.
“Excuse me, sir, did you say foot-long hot dog?”

Last funny that I’m going to point out is when Kip meets Rock & Steady. They’ve been through a lot already, and
Kip describes some things he’d had to do when TSHTF. Rock & Steady seem sympathetic, and they proceed to tell Kip about how/why they’d had to kill their girlfriends when the end of the world started…
I don’t want to ruin all my favorite parts for you, so I’m just making a note to say… don’t miss it!

BRotD-KipEvans

D.F. Noble is a hell of a writer.
He has three stories in the SHB anthology STRANGE SEX.
His SS CINNAMON had a sci-fi edge to it, and reminded me of an old movie I once saw called (I think…) CHERRY 2000.
His SS INTERLOPER is about the big guy upstairs seducing the women on earth, and the SS FOREIGNER, well… FOREIGNER made me gag. A lot.
All the shorts in SCARY FUCKING STORIES were great, too. Plus, I feel like I got a little peek inside his head.
What I’m saying is this – he’s not a guy you can jam into one category. Multi-genre, multi-talent.

Note to Don and/or Arthur…
Those shots of tequila at the end… are they Cabo Wabo Blue agave tequila? I’m going to imagine that – YES, THEY ARE! Will also assume that they’ll have some Hagar-Miester to mix with Red Bull for some power shots 😉

Slaughtertown Circus by K.M. Tepe

Published April 29, 2014 by Shadow Girl

cover

Slaughtertown Circus
By K.M. Tepe

Amazon says…
Xander is boring. He spends his boring life working for minimal pay (and even less respect) as a data entry clerk. After he’s fired from his job, Xander finds himself lost, poor, and alone; until he meets a stripping clown known only as “Marbles”.

Marbles

Marbles decides to spice up Xander’s life a bit by sleeping with him, but Xander is unaware that clown sex comes with a very unexpected STD. Xander soon learns that his new friend has an agenda of her own. After the entire clown world, Kermisendia, has gone up in flames, Marbles, the daughter of the Leader of Kermisendia, is sent to the Earthly dimension to gather an army and claim a new home for the species, no matter the cost.

PicsArt_1398464682195

Join Xander, Marbles, and the rest of the extra-terrestrial clown freaks on a big-top adventure through the funhouse mirror as Xander learns that clowns might not really be that funny after all…

And, who can pass anything up when Jesse Wheeler does his best Stefon imitation? – ( Tweaky club kid Stefon Zelesky).

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This book has it all. Transvestites, amputees, cotton candy feces, deep fried corn-dog dicks, vandalism, and so much more. You think you know clowns…? You don’t know shit till you read Slaughtertown Circus.
Jesse Wheeler, author of Dinner at the Vomitropolis

This book really does have it all!
When I first saw it, I didn’t know what to expect – I just knew I HAD TO HAVE IT.

NowEntering

Prologue: The planet Kermisendia
The conception.
Clown sex – sex between Real Clowns, not Ass Clowns, (Trust me, you’ll learn the difference.), is a fun, and slightly disturbing event. Complete with squeaks, honks, and a jubilant CONFETTI completion, we get a front row, voyeuristic learning experience.
One year after this night of fun-passion (fassion- fashion), the happy couple is calling their physician… the baby’s on it’s way! Barnum, the doc, comes in with some insanely disturbing hardware! Lefty Lucy’s vag can only be compared to a Volkswagen in the center ring, because she shoots out a parade of clowns. The proud patents, and us spectators, are soon introduced to a violet eyed clown baby with a heart shaped birth-mark… Marbles.
The Story: Present day – 2014
On Earth, 105 years later, Xander Greaks happens into a small, obscure bar called The Doctor’s Office. He’s lost everything and decides to try and find something new at the bottom of a shot glass. What he found was a new friend in the form of a bartender named Billy.
Billy isn’t the only new thing- he brings a lot of new into Xander’s life. Weird porn, weird colognes, weird music… and Xander is drawn to it all!
Then, there’s the dancer. Those violet eyes, that heart shaped mark, the things that girl could do with a balloon! She introduced herself as Marbles, and…Marbles is all grown up! He’s never been a big fan of clowns, but there is just something about this girl! That joie de vivre, that je ne sais quoi. That little something she left him with after spending a the night together! He knows something is wrong the very next morning, and he’ll soon find out that herpies isn’t the only thing that is for life!
“Neither of them knew of the horrors that would come out of that night. Eh, maybe that was too dramatic.
Here, let’s try this: Shit got fucked up.”
Yes. Yes, it did.
And, you’re going to have to read the book to find out just how fucked up shit got!
There’s eyeball piercing, ice cream trucks, and a balloon chainsaw that brings ‘imminent, but hilarious, destruction’.

Like I said, I didn’t know what to expect from this book, but I am overjoyed with what I got. The story is so unique, and so much fun to read! It hooked me right away. You know I’ve got a thing for words – and K.M. Tepe is a master. From cacophony to breath sacks, her selection was a perfect mixture of interesting, exciting, and fun. The SHB gang are friends, you can tell they talk to each other. K.M.’s vaginal euphemisms reminded me of Don Noble, which reminded me of the song by the Bloodhound Gang that I posted with Don’s story CINNAMON. (On the STRANGE SEX review/discussion.) (Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo).
Don’t let this book get by you!
5/5 Squeaky Boobies for Slaughtertown Circus!

Reach out to the author:

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Scary Fucking Stories by D.F. Noble

Published April 22, 2014 by Shadow Girl

Whats the F stand for? Don Fuckin Noble, that’s what!
No, but… you believed for a second, didn’t ya?
The introduction to this book is enough to weird you out and give you the heebie-jeebies! The imagery of the cover art will stick with you, and pop up during your most vulnerable moments.

ScaryFuckingStories

My sisters are to blame for my mirror-phobic episodes. The Bloody Mary torture sessions I endured as a kid resulted in my not being able to have a mirror in my bedroom. When I was young, and didn’t have a choice about it, I’d ‘tent’ my covers – blocking my view of the mirror in the center of the wall, opposite the two twin beds. That worked until The Satanic Step Sisters decided to take it up a notch. SSS#1 laid in the bed next to mine, whispering stories and chanting Bloody Mary, while SSS#2 slithered into our room, unnoticed on our hardwood floors, and then directly underneath my bed.
I don’t remember much after SSS#2 reached up and grabbed my ankle.
The nurse told me the blood wasn’t mine.
When I woke up screaming in that stark white, harsh room – cold & covered in blood… I thought I was dead.
The doctor, the one who gave me the pills, told me that he was going to help me remember.

Holy shit! I think I just started my next short story. If I work it correctly, with some help from my Grizz, it could be the prequel to PHOBOPHOBIA.

It was true up to the ankle grab.
I told you that to tell you this… that mirror-phobia is back after reading SCARY FUCKING STORIES. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom, and I felt the terror I felt as a kid. I knew, KNEW, that if I had the balls to look into the mirror above the sink – something would be looking back at me.

Book Description
Publication Date: January 8, 2014
Just beyond the small bandwidth of light our nervous systems can filter, there are worlds, there is life in the dark. Those moments where you swear something is watching you. Those moments you swore someone has called your name, but you find yourself alone… You are more than happy to tell your children of angels, but you speak in hushed tones of demons. From the Dark, I bring you… Scary Fucking Stories. With amazing cover art done by Gabriel Wyse!

THE CELLAR:
A young boy tells a psychiatrist about the root-cellar in the shed of his new home. The way it looks, the way it makes him feel, and the friends he meets while he’s down there.

THROUGH THE WALLS:
A babysitter, on trial for the disappearance of the little boy she was watching, goes bat-shit while out on bail. That earns her a trip to the psych ward, and a possible way out of the mess she’s in.
I read this as a bonus story in a different SHB book, and it was still creepy on the second read. As much as I hate movie remakes, the new Amityville Horror (with Ryan Reynolds) had that scene of the babysitter in the closet with Jody – much more intense than the glowing red eyes from the original. This story gave me the feeling I got from that scene. ::shudders::

TTW

LOOP ROAD:
Steven Brooks is back in his home-town after years away. The road he’s on still feels familiar, memories of good times are on his mind, and – BAM! Airbag! Who the hell would park there?! Someone with good taste, apparently. It’s the same kind of car. Where’s the other driver?
This one gets more and more disturbing as it goes.

CONTACT SCHEMATIC:
If this is is really a non-fiction call for participants – my reply is a polite Hell The Fuck No.
Seeing something, actually seeing – not just feeling, or believing – might send me over the edge, to possibly never return. My imagination is already conjuring up images like scenes from Th13teen Ghosts, and Cabin in the Woods… terrifying imagery of ‘things’. Waiting. Just beyond the only thing that separates us. The one thin layer of glass…
* I’m 100% totally & absolutely ready to read about the results of this project, and if you need a beta – PLEASE let me know. Thanks for the nightmares.

WAIT IN LINE:
Bruce the Greek God of Haircuts can’t save you from the horrors that the new, green planet have in store for you.

WaitInLine

DEAD WRONG:
Jack is an asshole. He breaks the law and probably gets you killed – just to say… “You’re wrong. I win.”

JAMES:
After her mom died, and her father went to the bin, Samantha went to live with her aunt & uncle. That’s when the nightmares began – and that’s when James appeared.

THE PEN OR SWORD, THE GHOST OR GUN:
“I am Consequence. I am the Blade of Karma. And I’m coming for you.” Wow. Amazing story of a man who goes all-in for revenge, and the consequences of his actions. “The world will end. Not with a bang, but with the closet door, creaking open in the night.”

sfs

BLOOD TIDE:
All Paul wanted was a nice, hot cup of extreme caffeine. What he got was a half-melted face and a front row seat to a nightmare played through the windows of the gas station.

bloodtide

DOOR MAN:
“There are places where the sun never sets, and places where it never rises. But, most importantly, there are gates. Doorways between worlds.”
One of those doorways is this story – and Lee is about to risk his sanity, and possibly his life, to go beyond and find his son.
Info on Blackfoot/Cherokee HERE.

pinocchios-revenge

NIGHT CAP:
A story of stories to open your mind.

Erowid

**I’m still waitin on that book of psychedelics, Don. And, just a little side-note… ***Erowid/Erowid Center is a dot org, and the story lists it as a dot com. Not a big deal at all, just a FF. (For you, and the book, I’m gonna add a third F. to that – #FunFuckingFact)

With BONUS STORY – THE HAIRY CHICKEN by Kevin Strange

* A note to the author.
** Another note to D.F.
*** Erowid, also called Erowid Center, is a 501(c)(3) non-profit educational organization that provides information about psychoactive plants and chemicals as well as activities that can produce altered states of consciousness such as meditation and lucid dreaming.
Erowid documents legal and illegal substances, including their intended and adverse effects. Information on Erowid.org is gathered from diverse sources including published literature, experts in related fields, and the experiences of the general public. Erowid acts as a publisher of new information as well as a library for the collection of documents and images published elsewhere.

http://www.amazon.com/Scary-Fucking-Stories-D-F-Noble-ebook/dp/B00HS3F21O/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_d_2

http://www.amazon.com/D.F.-Noble/e/B008NF5XS8/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1

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