I wish I could take credit for finding this actual product, and the reviews, but the props go to Sulu. George Takei posted this Book on social networking, highlighting one of the comments / reviews. It was funny, as everything George Takei posts is, but… I kept reading – and I read comment gold!
I hope that your funny-bone is as crooked as mine!
How to Avoid Huge Ships by Captain John W. Trimmer SECOND EDITION
Subtitled: Or: I Never Met a Ship I Liked
The first edition of this hook was self-published from the author’s home in Seattle. It is a maritime operations guidance book, intended for a specialized audience (the captains or operators of small private boats such as yachts and trawlers), the book gives advice on appropriate avoidance actions when confronted by the near presence of a large ship such as a freighter, along with anecdotes and background information such as the capabilities and operating procedures of the large ships.
This book gets a rating of 3.7 out of 5 stars, and has a whopping 983 customer reviews, and that number is rising every few minutes. (It’s gone up by 4 just during the time it took to write this post!) (Reviews up to 1056 now! Sulu’s post sure brought us weirdos out!)- Amazon does not have this book available for purchase, but it does link you to 27 people who are selling it – with prices starting at $129.06 for used copies, and $225.18 for new ones – rising to ridiculous amounts – all the way up to $1899.33!
THE REVIEWS: The posts included here range from…
“I found this book very informative an well written. ”
– from: Truffle (46 reviewers made a similar statement)
“I tore open its cardboard protective layer like a lion tearing into a fallen antelope. ”
– from: Artemis Finkel (42 reviewers made a similar statement)
TO FUNNY –
“Now I know what that steering wheel thingy is for”
5/5 Stars from: Cap’n Crunch:
This book really is one of the best huge ship avoidance references I’ve come across, not just for the effective methods it teaches as to avoiding huge ships, but also for exploding some of the huge ship avoidance myths that many of us take for granted.
– Do not charge the huge ship at full speed in an attempt to scare it off. This may work with coyotes, but it is less effective with huge ships.
– Similarly, do not roll your boat over and play dead. Unless the huge ship is captained by a grizzly bear, this will not work.
– Do not attempt to go under the huge ship. This is typically not successful.
– Do not attempt to jump over the huge ship.
Captain Trimmer presents a rather novel technique for avoiding huge ships – move your boat out of the path of the huge ship. I know what you’re thinking, this goes against conventional wisdom, but Trimmer presents significant empirical evidence to support his theory. Indeed, over the long run, moving out of the way will dramatically decrease the number of huge ship collisions you will have to endure in your daily life.
TO HILARIOUS –
“Reads like a whodunnit!”
5/5 Stars from Citizenfitz:
I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!
TO REVIEWS FROM INANIMATE OBJECTS –
“Good Advice For Most Readers, But Doesn’t Cover All The Bases.”
3/5 Stars from: Jamie:
There is one major oversight in this generally well-written book, and that is that it addresses animate readers exclusively. As a large rock in the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Giglio Island, I have recently been confronted with instances in which avoiding huge ships was of fundamental interest to my personal well-being. However, the methods presented in Capt. Trimmer’s book were none too useful in my efforts to avoid huge ships, as I was recently struck by a very large ship indeed, a cruise vessel called the ‘Costa Concordia’. I think the ship came off slightly worse in the exchange, but the experience was disruptive to my afternoon and rather jarring. In a situation such as this, Capt. Trimmer’s advice would have been immensely beneficial to humans, fish, seabirds, and other animals, but I am none of those things. I’m a big rock. I can’t zig-zag or duck and cover. Rocks don’t do that. I’ve tried. I tried some time ago to scoot over to the left a bit to get some better sunlight, and it took me three thousand years! That’s not fast enough to avoid even the slowest huge ships. It is for precisely this reason that I would advise Capt. Trimmer to augment this edition with a section intended for readers like me–perhaps “How To Avoid Huge Ships If You Are A Rock, Iceberg, Or Coral Reef”. There is a market out there for this, Capt. Trimmer, and I assure you it would be well worth your time and effort.
AND REVIEWS FROM OTHER SHIPS –
“Large beamed, please!”
1/5 Stars from: Altair Voyager:
I am a huge ship. Imagine having an entire book devoted toward actively avoiding you and your kind. I have always been bigger than other ships – and yes, I have endured years of being moared in the distance, never being able to enter the shallower bays, requiring tugs to guide me in – but now THIS! Mr. Trimmer, you sir, should be ashamed! Please do not be swayed by his drivel. I ask that you judge me not by the size of my cargo hatch but rather the content of my wheelhouse.
“End the Discrimination!”
1/5 Stars from Michael P.Ball:
For privacy concerns, call me Ishmael. I am a large ship. I’m saddened to see the anti-big ship lobby is at it again.
THERE ARE REVIEWS AS SONG LYRICS –
“I like big ships and I cannot lie.”
5/5 Stars from: Amy Hopkins:
I like big ships and I cannot lie
You other tugs can’t deny
That when a tanker floats in with an itty bitty porthole
And a round ship’s wheel in your face
You spring a leak
Wanna pull up anchor
’cause you notice those containers were stuffed
Deep in the cargo hold she’s carrying
Help other customers find the most helpful review
AND, REVIEWS FROM ‘CONFUSED’ BOOK BUYERS –
“Caution: Check the title before purchase”
3/5 Stars from: Graham Thomas:
I live near a park and frequently walk around the local area. Given the amount of dog mess that is on the pavements I thought this book would be the ideal read to stop me having to scrape my shoes on the grass before going home. It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realised it said ‘How to Avoid Huge SHIPS‘. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement. Having said that, I read the book anyway, and I’m pleased to say I’m not even having near misses with huge ships anymore. No sir, they aint getting anywhere near me!
AND THEN, THERE ARE THE REVIEWS FROM INSIDE THE ASYLUM –
“Extra-Biblical traditions regarding huge ship avoidance.”
5/5 Stars from: Salomon Isaacides:
As reported by Epiphanius, and confirmed in modern times with the discovery of Trimmer’s texts at Nag Hammadi. Noah’s wife is said to have found many copies of Captain Trimmer’s writing’s in abandoned pastures. Ancient rabbinical homiletical interpretations of “How to Avoid Huge Ships” reveal the popularity of this book among unicorn herders of this time
Even the one star reviews are only posted for the sake hilarity, I could search and find one to post that is a bad review, but – nah! Let’s keep it all for fun!
How to avoid this book!
1/5 Stars from Darren Moran:
This review is from: How to Avoid Huge Ships (Paperback)
Stumbled across this while looking for books on how to attract huge ships. This book is awful and vaguely racist.
I didn’t get close to reading even 10% of these! Even though there are bound to be many that are the same, I can predict at least an hour’s worth of fun from the review section of this book’s Amazon page!!
*WIKIPEDIA has a page dedicated to this book, some of the book’s synopsis came from there. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/88888
*This title can also be found on GOODREADS. The comments from members are practically the same as on Amazon – and, the numbers are rising fast!
WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN SEEING MORE FUNNY/AWESOME PRODUCT REVIEWS?
I’m thinking of adding a page strictly for this, and updating it as I find them.
Have you found, or posted, any reviews that you NEED to share – so you’re not laughing alone?
Share here, in the comments! I’ll be sure they make it to the new page, too – If I make it…
P, L, & N ❤