gleefully macabre

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FACIAL by Jeff Strand

Published March 25, 2015 by Shadow Girl

Greg has just killed the man he hired to kill one of his wife’s many lovers. He’s now got a dead body in his office.

Carlton, Greg’s brother, desperately needs a dead body. It’s kind of related to the lion corpse that he found in his basement.
Facial. It’s not about what you’re thinking.
Well, okay, part of it is…

Facial.Cover

Carleton is playing one of his least favorite games – it’s a combination of Hide & Seek with What’s That Smell. His olfactory senses lead him to his rarely used basement, and what he gets for ‘winning’ is even less fun than the game. His bizarre discovery leads him, and his brother, on a journey of bonding, pirate treasure, and severed heads.

The inner-monologue of Jeff’s characters always has me laughing out loud. I was going to start posting my favorite line from each of his titles on their reviews, but it’s impossible. I can’t choose a favorite from my top six lines in this book alone!
But… this one’s pretty good –
“Step away before thou contaminate me with thy contemptible insanity!”

Fun Facts –
¹ Yesterday I was reviewing YA books written by this author, and today I read about a guy who is thinking about murder & mayhem while going down on his wife.
I see nothing wrong with this.
² I didn’t notice at the time, but now I’m seeing the similarities on the covers of the books I bought the other day… I got this book, FACIAL, and BITE SIZE by Matt Shaw…
I’m off to contemplate the hidden reasons my subconscious led me here. Maybe I just need a facial

Find FACIAL on Amazon, Goodreads, and Dark Fuse

Gleefully Macabre

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GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES from Jeff Strand

Published August 7, 2014 by Shadow Girl

“What a cruel injustice that Stephen King’s Just After Sunset won the Bram Stoker Award for Best Collection while Gleefully Macabre Tales was merely a finalist! Does King’s collection have an awesome wiener dog story? I think not!”

GLEEFULLY MACABRE TALES includes 33 of Jeff Strand’s most twisted blends of cringe-worthy horror and ghoulish humor, (with a couple of serious pieces thrown in just to mess with you).

If you’re looking to laugh, gasp, gag, or do all three at the same time, making sort of a weird sound that hurts your lungs and elicits odd glances from nearby pedestrians, this is the book for you!

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Really, Really Ferocious:
A grumpy old man means business when he says ‘No Solicitors’! HILARIOUS! And, it includes this statement…
“OK, stop poking me with the dog.”

Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic:
Sanity is miserable, and boring. Being insane sounds like much more fun – especially the maniacal giggle. But, how does one become insane?

High Stakes:
The odds are in your favor, you’d be crazy not to try again!

Special Features:
Do you watch the extras on your DVD’s?
For me, it depends on the movie, and if I’m too tired to get up to turn off the DVD player. (#FF – Kevin Smith & Judd Apatow have great special features.)
This ss is the ‘watch with director commentary’ option of a snuff film.

Sex Potion #147:
Always follow specific instructions when ingesting potions from a gypsy – you could end up in a very uncomfortable place…

The Three Little Pigs:
The fairy-tale trio has a bloodier time of things in this re-telling of an old favorite.

Everything Has a Purpose:
Everything. I have a funny comment to make, but it would be a spoiler.

Them Old West Mutations:
Freaks of nature, or scientific discovery? This one might bug you a little bit.

Wasting Grandpa:
If you want to end the life of a family member, do a little research first. Make sure they’re not as spunky as they once were, and be ready for the unexpected!

A Bite For a Bite:
A pissing contest between bros gets serious rather quickly.

Glimpses:
Very good short, written in a different kind of style. The story of a couple’s relationship, told through brief glimpses into the important aspects of their lives.

Common Sense:
If we all listened to our inner voices, the world would be a very boring place.

Gross-Out!:
Two of Jeff’s entries in the World Horror Convention gross-out contest.
I don’t know who Cullen Bunn is, but I HAVE to find out!

Bad Coffee:
Richard fights with his terrible cup of coffee, hilarity ensues. I giggled out loud reading this.

Werewolf Porno:
Carl has acquired a case of the monthly furries. After hiding away for three years, he’s ready to come out of the Dog House. Come out he does – in a grand fashion!

An Admittedly Pointless But Mercifully Brief Story With Aliens In It:
Another hilariously funny short, with aliens!

Munchies:
LadyDothProtest

Roasting Weenies By Hellfire:
Charlie is a rotten kid. And since writers can dispense ultimate justice, Charlie finds himself in Hell. Even Satan hates whiners, but he does give Charlie a second chance. He sends Charlie back up so he can play a practical joke on someone else the Devil has his eye on. What transpires is a hilariously gory, Jeff Strand version of HOME ALONE.

Quite a Mess:
Don’t play with your food!
foodfun1

I Hold the Stick:
ShallNotPass

Scarecrow’s Discovery:
Grumpy old man, Ray, has had it up to HERE with them damn fool kids tearing apart his scarecrows every night!

Howard, the Tenth Reindeer/Howard Rises Again:
This one started life as a Christmas card – it’s true!
Worth reading if only for the toys – Jeff’s version on Tickle Me Elmo being so wrong that it’s perfect!

BrainBugs:
The bugs in my brain are making me crazy! Will you help me get them out? Wait! They’re my friends, though.

Cap’n Hank’s Five Alarm Nuclear Lava Wings:
Vincent is a loud-mouthed braggard, and he annoys everyone when he comes into Bernard’s restaurant. He has yelled ‘these wings are for pussys!’ one too many times. So, the boys are going to show him hot wings. And, that Bernie doesn’t take too kindly to customers bad mouthing his food.

A Call For Mr. Potty-Mouth:
A new boogeyman for the kiddies! Too bad my son is too grown up to believe this – it would have come in very handy in my house.

The Bad Man in the Blue House:
Very creepy, and the style adds to the chill factor.

Abbey’s Shriek:
This one is a bit longer, and no comedy here. It’s actually a bit disturbing. A single father, with two kids, tries to keep his demons hidden. But, it might be time for his son to learn about their terrible ‘curse’. Nope, not a werewolf. A real, human monster.

The Socket:
Quincy lost his eyeball in horrifying detail – have I told you that eyeball stuff makes me really squeamish? ::shudders::
Well, I think some of his brain goo leaked out of his eye hole, cuz Quincy is a right loon now!

One of Them:
A young boy visits the freak show at a local carnival, but they may not be as different as he’d hoped.
I’ve had the Social Distortion song ‘Down Here With The Rest of Us’ going through my head all day, and now – it fits perfectly here! Hmmm O.o

Secret Message:
A hint about this short story…
Harvey frowned as he opened the envelope. Pure gibberish. What was this, a code?

Mr. Sensitive:
Remember THINNER? Take note – you don’t want to piss off a gypsy!

The Bad Candy House:
Jeff might slowly be turning into a grumpy old man!
‘Get off my lawn, you hooligans!’
The man in this short story is fed up with those damn fool kids tricking him every Halloween. This year – payback!

A special demented bonus from Jeff! The novella-
Disposal:
Frank is a small time criminal. Robbing places for pocket change isn’t paying his bills, so he takes his chances in the Murder For Hire business. It’s not as easy as he thinks!

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