fat bastard

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The Human Santapede by Adam Millard

Published November 14, 2014 by Shadow Girl

humansantapede

Santa Claus is coming to town…at least, that was the plan, but now his elves have started going missing, kidnapped by some insidious figure in a black cloak, and despite the magic swirling about the place, the toys aren’t going to put themselves together. So begins a terrifying game of cat and mouse as Kris Kringle searches The Land of Christmas for his abducted minions, unaware that he is to play an integral part in his foe’s plans.

Krampus is pissed at Santa after lending him his snowblower and never getting it back. His punishment? To build a Human Santapede long enough to stretch around The Land of Christmas, and at its helm, the jolly fat man himself. Can Santa – aided by his best foreman, Finklefoot – get his elves back, defeat Krampus, and save Christmas before it is too late, or will Krampus succeed in creating the ghastliest single-file organism the North Pole has ever seen?

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, things are about to get messy…

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First, have you seen The Human Centipede (First Sequence), or The Full Sequence, or The Final Sequence? It may not be necessary to see the movie(s), but it gives you a better feel for just how bad things are going to get, and just how bad that ‘we had curry for dinner’ joke really is! (South Park spoofed it pretty disgustingly). I’m only kidding – Adam has re-imagined yet another *[beloved] classic, and made The **[in]Human Santapede into what is sure to be one of my favorite things for many upcoming holiday seasons!
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Taking subtle shots at Warwick Davis, Furbys, and E.L. James, Adam had me cracking up through another story that ended way to soon.

In the Land of Christmas, joy & laughter are spread like wildfire & chlamydia. Mrs. Claus is a ex-stripper, and a bitch-faced whore, who (in my mind) looks like a filthy, filthy Jessica Rabbit. Elves are missing, and Rudolph is nowhere to be seen. Someone is out to ruin the holiday this year, and Finklefoot is going to find out who it is!
Finklefoot isn’t about to save Christmas, or The Fat Bastard, for free. No sir. He, (and every other elf), wants a song written about him – one that will tell his story, and get stuck in the minds of humans everywhere for years to come.

Fun with intestines!

Will Finklefoot save Christmas, and get a Holiday Song of his very own, (like that slacker Rudolph)?

*“…you start putting brackets in things, you’re just going to make things worse. That’s why Meatloaf songs are terrible.”
**“…you start putting brackets in things, you’re just going to make things worse. That’s why Meatloaf songs are terrible.”

Find Adam Millard on Facebook, Amazon, and Goodreads.
Buy THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE on Amazon.
Buy THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE on Amazon.uk.
View THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE on Goodreads.

candh.centipede

THE HUMAN BODY -A short story By Michael K. Rose

Published March 17, 2013 by Shadow Girl

The Human Body
By Michael K. Rose
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The human body is highly resilient, but what happens when a man’s own body decides to betray him? Ted, after struggling with weight issues his entire life, is about to find out. He has started hearing voices.
Well, only one voice. I mean… he’s not CRAZY or anything!
“Go outside, look at that fat gut! Exercise a little self control! You’re a fat bastard, Ted. You’ve always been a fat bastard…” Who is that? Why are they being so mean?
He calls his doctor to make an appointment, but before he has time to see the doctor, his body starts fighting him! Making him do things – he’s lost all control.

His body is talking to him – and his body is pissed!

After Ted’s doctors appointment, his body continues to belittle him, it’s even madder than before! Back and forth they go. Ted and his body. This time, it turns into an all or nothing war! The voice says Ted is killing himself, and Ted wants nothing more than to kill this voice!

A battle of wills. Mind over matter.
Which one will emerge as the victor?

This was a fast read – I read it on my lunch break at work today. It’s short, but it’s original & very enjoyable. I downloaded it for free over the weekend, and it’s still free right now. But, if you miss the sale, it’s a bargain at 99¢! Worth buying.

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