D.F.Noble

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Birthday Wishes

Published June 15, 2014 by Shadow Girl

Birthday Wishes

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Beer Run of the Dead by D.F. Noble

Published May 5, 2014 by Shadow Girl

♬ It’s the end of the world as we know it, where can I get a dime?♬

Original cover from StrangeHouseBooks

Original cover from StrangeHouseBooks

☣ ☣ ☣ ☣ ☣ 5/5 Biohazards for BRotD

Action packed dumbass, zombie killing, booze hounding, jiggly tits, of action full of super action! Beer Run of the Dead is the first book in a series sure to quench your thirst.
Follow Kip, Rock and Steady, as they struggle to survive and stay completely shit faced in the face of certain undead doom. These three unlikely heroes hold the key to humanity’s salvation, but will they succeed being inebriated as they are? Not everyone who saves the world is a rocket scientist, a super hero, or a handsome actor turned politician. Sometimes people who save the world… they’re fucking idiots.

New beer label cover from Rooster Republic Press

New beer label cover from Rooster Republic Press

I really gotta tell ya, I’ve been a bit zombied out lately. Add to that the fact that I can’t get the end to my zombie SS written, and… it kind of bums me out. SOO… it took me a little while to open this book up. But, once I did – I couldn’t put it down!
Beer Run Of The Dead has made it’s way into my top five favorite zombie stories. Ever. (Sharing spots with Tonia, and Cal – you know who I go on and on about!).
The saviors of mankind in this story, our warriors of booze & justice, are Rock, Steady, & Kip – these are friends of yours. Whether you know them now, or knew them in your past, I’ll bet that at least 80% of us picture that friend when reading this. Take a bit of everyone’s favorite unlikely hero – Ash, (Bruce Campbell), get him FUBAR, and then double the humor – and that’s what I want you to expect when you start BRotD.
I don’t know what else to tell you about the plot without ruining the story for you, but I think what has already been said in the synopsis is enough. I made so many notes and highlights while reading – but I can’t let you in on all of it!! I can’t NOT touch on some of it, though.
Soft warning here… (not like an EBS warning, more like the required weekly test of the EBS.) The remainder of this post contains bits that are kind of spoilers – but only spoilers for scenes, not spoilers for the story line.

Some of my favorite things in this book…

There is a ‘shit & slide’ – (you’ll see!), Cartman quotes, and a woman who gets beat with her own dildo – (and loses her teeth from it)!
Kip’s mom has a muscley bf, who is like any newcomer into a relationship with a teenager – he is trying way to hard to be buddy-buddy, and trying even harder to be cool. That makes him an instant d-bag, you know the type. He is gonna be a bro! Well, first thing he does is shotguns a hit of his joint to Kip, and his reaction is the first thing that had me dying. Kip goes to his room alone & thinks

“My head feels like an electric blanket with a fan blowing. Fuck I’m hungry. Fuck I wanna nap. Maybe I should call grandma sometime, it’s been a while…”

– I’m just cracking up – I know your pain, bro!!

Here’s something to let you into my head, to show how goofy my brain works…
In chapter 3, (at about 9% in) -when TSHTF, there’s a line that says… “A thick wall of smoke rolls steadily down the street…”
I highlighted ‘smoke rolls steadily down the street…’, and I made a note so I’d remember to tell you guys (and the author) that I automatically sang that to QUEEN’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’. I had it stuck in my head for the rest of the day, and now that I’m re-living the moment… it’s back. So… this is your mandatory ear-rape. Now you’ll have it stuck in your head, too.
Not long after the Jock Jams 57 sing-a-long, still at about nine percent, there is a scene that had me literally laughing out loud, and I had to read it to my husband –
The scene itself is utterly hilarious.
Add the fact that I’ve been working a full time McJob since the GM layoffs and it turned to pure comedy gold!

There is a guy ordering breakfast in the drive-thru of a fast food joint. The customer, Mike, is the epitome of ‘that guy’. The asshole customer who wants something to be wrong, so he can bitch. If there is nothing wrong, he’ll make something up. (Remember… TSHTF moment has already begun, things are blowing up, sirens going off – and he’s pissed about having to wait to order). Already irrationally upset, when he orders a Coke but the place only carries Pepsi – he starts to lose his shit, and then the real fun begins!

“Is Pepsi all right?”
“What? No, I won’t drink that shit. Give me a Sprite instead.”
“Is Sierra Mist okay?”
“Are you fucking serious? What is this shit?”
“So, a Sierra Mist?”
“No, I said are you seri—“
“One Sierra Mist, got it. So we have two biscuits and gravy, two hash—“
“I don’t want a goddamn Sierra Mist! Listen, jackass, I want—“
This time, it isn’t the pimple-faced kid on the other side of the speaker distracting the Cardinals fan, but an ambulance that comes wailing down the street from out of nowhere. Weaving in and out of traffic, the thing is all over the road, hopping the curb before finally nailing a car at the intersection. Glass shatters, metal buckles, and the car does a near three-sixty before colliding with oncoming traffic.
“Frikkin’ shit!” the Cardinals fan exclaims.
“Sorry sir, we don’t carry Mr. Pibb.” (bah ha ha!)
– stuff happens, more stuff happens, and then…
“What the fuck is going on…” the Cardinals fan softly moans, from the relative safety of his car.
“Excuse me, sir, did you say foot-long hot dog?”

Last funny that I’m going to point out is when Kip meets Rock & Steady. They’ve been through a lot already, and
Kip describes some things he’d had to do when TSHTF. Rock & Steady seem sympathetic, and they proceed to tell Kip about how/why they’d had to kill their girlfriends when the end of the world started…
I don’t want to ruin all my favorite parts for you, so I’m just making a note to say… don’t miss it!

BRotD-KipEvans

D.F. Noble is a hell of a writer.
He has three stories in the SHB anthology STRANGE SEX.
His SS CINNAMON had a sci-fi edge to it, and reminded me of an old movie I once saw called (I think…) CHERRY 2000.
His SS INTERLOPER is about the big guy upstairs seducing the women on earth, and the SS FOREIGNER, well… FOREIGNER made me gag. A lot.
All the shorts in SCARY FUCKING STORIES were great, too. Plus, I feel like I got a little peek inside his head.
What I’m saying is this – he’s not a guy you can jam into one category. Multi-genre, multi-talent.

Note to Don and/or Arthur…
Those shots of tequila at the end… are they Cabo Wabo Blue agave tequila? I’m going to imagine that – YES, THEY ARE! Will also assume that they’ll have some Hagar-Miester to mix with Red Bull for some power shots 😉

Scary Fucking Stories by D.F. Noble

Published April 22, 2014 by Shadow Girl

Whats the F stand for? Don Fuckin Noble, that’s what!
No, but… you believed for a second, didn’t ya?
The introduction to this book is enough to weird you out and give you the heebie-jeebies! The imagery of the cover art will stick with you, and pop up during your most vulnerable moments.

ScaryFuckingStories

My sisters are to blame for my mirror-phobic episodes. The Bloody Mary torture sessions I endured as a kid resulted in my not being able to have a mirror in my bedroom. When I was young, and didn’t have a choice about it, I’d ‘tent’ my covers – blocking my view of the mirror in the center of the wall, opposite the two twin beds. That worked until The Satanic Step Sisters decided to take it up a notch. SSS#1 laid in the bed next to mine, whispering stories and chanting Bloody Mary, while SSS#2 slithered into our room, unnoticed on our hardwood floors, and then directly underneath my bed.
I don’t remember much after SSS#2 reached up and grabbed my ankle.
The nurse told me the blood wasn’t mine.
When I woke up screaming in that stark white, harsh room – cold & covered in blood… I thought I was dead.
The doctor, the one who gave me the pills, told me that he was going to help me remember.

Holy shit! I think I just started my next short story. If I work it correctly, with some help from my Grizz, it could be the prequel to PHOBOPHOBIA.

It was true up to the ankle grab.
I told you that to tell you this… that mirror-phobia is back after reading SCARY FUCKING STORIES. I got out of bed to go to the bathroom, and I felt the terror I felt as a kid. I knew, KNEW, that if I had the balls to look into the mirror above the sink – something would be looking back at me.

Book Description
Publication Date: January 8, 2014
Just beyond the small bandwidth of light our nervous systems can filter, there are worlds, there is life in the dark. Those moments where you swear something is watching you. Those moments you swore someone has called your name, but you find yourself alone… You are more than happy to tell your children of angels, but you speak in hushed tones of demons. From the Dark, I bring you… Scary Fucking Stories. With amazing cover art done by Gabriel Wyse!

THE CELLAR:
A young boy tells a psychiatrist about the root-cellar in the shed of his new home. The way it looks, the way it makes him feel, and the friends he meets while he’s down there.

THROUGH THE WALLS:
A babysitter, on trial for the disappearance of the little boy she was watching, goes bat-shit while out on bail. That earns her a trip to the psych ward, and a possible way out of the mess she’s in.
I read this as a bonus story in a different SHB book, and it was still creepy on the second read. As much as I hate movie remakes, the new Amityville Horror (with Ryan Reynolds) had that scene of the babysitter in the closet with Jody – much more intense than the glowing red eyes from the original. This story gave me the feeling I got from that scene. ::shudders::

TTW

LOOP ROAD:
Steven Brooks is back in his home-town after years away. The road he’s on still feels familiar, memories of good times are on his mind, and – BAM! Airbag! Who the hell would park there?! Someone with good taste, apparently. It’s the same kind of car. Where’s the other driver?
This one gets more and more disturbing as it goes.

CONTACT SCHEMATIC:
If this is is really a non-fiction call for participants – my reply is a polite Hell The Fuck No.
Seeing something, actually seeing – not just feeling, or believing – might send me over the edge, to possibly never return. My imagination is already conjuring up images like scenes from Th13teen Ghosts, and Cabin in the Woods… terrifying imagery of ‘things’. Waiting. Just beyond the only thing that separates us. The one thin layer of glass…
* I’m 100% totally & absolutely ready to read about the results of this project, and if you need a beta – PLEASE let me know. Thanks for the nightmares.

WAIT IN LINE:
Bruce the Greek God of Haircuts can’t save you from the horrors that the new, green planet have in store for you.

WaitInLine

DEAD WRONG:
Jack is an asshole. He breaks the law and probably gets you killed – just to say… “You’re wrong. I win.”

JAMES:
After her mom died, and her father went to the bin, Samantha went to live with her aunt & uncle. That’s when the nightmares began – and that’s when James appeared.

THE PEN OR SWORD, THE GHOST OR GUN:
“I am Consequence. I am the Blade of Karma. And I’m coming for you.” Wow. Amazing story of a man who goes all-in for revenge, and the consequences of his actions. “The world will end. Not with a bang, but with the closet door, creaking open in the night.”

sfs

BLOOD TIDE:
All Paul wanted was a nice, hot cup of extreme caffeine. What he got was a half-melted face and a front row seat to a nightmare played through the windows of the gas station.

bloodtide

DOOR MAN:
“There are places where the sun never sets, and places where it never rises. But, most importantly, there are gates. Doorways between worlds.”
One of those doorways is this story – and Lee is about to risk his sanity, and possibly his life, to go beyond and find his son.
Info on Blackfoot/Cherokee HERE.

pinocchios-revenge

NIGHT CAP:
A story of stories to open your mind.

Erowid

**I’m still waitin on that book of psychedelics, Don. And, just a little side-note… ***Erowid/Erowid Center is a dot org, and the story lists it as a dot com. Not a big deal at all, just a FF. (For you, and the book, I’m gonna add a third F. to that – #FunFuckingFact)

With BONUS STORY – THE HAIRY CHICKEN by Kevin Strange

* A note to the author.
** Another note to D.F.
*** Erowid, also called Erowid Center, is a 501(c)(3) non-profit educational organization that provides information about psychoactive plants and chemicals as well as activities that can produce altered states of consciousness such as meditation and lucid dreaming.
Erowid documents legal and illegal substances, including their intended and adverse effects. Information on Erowid.org is gathered from diverse sources including published literature, experts in related fields, and the experiences of the general public. Erowid acts as a publisher of new information as well as a library for the collection of documents and images published elsewhere.

http://www.amazon.com/Scary-Fucking-Stories-D-F-Noble-ebook/dp/B00HS3F21O/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_d_2

http://www.amazon.com/D.F.-Noble/e/B008NF5XS8/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1

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