clowns

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Slaughtertown Circus by K.M. Tepe

Published April 29, 2014 by Shadow Girl

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Slaughtertown Circus
By K.M. Tepe

Amazon says…
Xander is boring. He spends his boring life working for minimal pay (and even less respect) as a data entry clerk. After he’s fired from his job, Xander finds himself lost, poor, and alone; until he meets a stripping clown known only as “Marbles”.

Marbles

Marbles decides to spice up Xander’s life a bit by sleeping with him, but Xander is unaware that clown sex comes with a very unexpected STD. Xander soon learns that his new friend has an agenda of her own. After the entire clown world, Kermisendia, has gone up in flames, Marbles, the daughter of the Leader of Kermisendia, is sent to the Earthly dimension to gather an army and claim a new home for the species, no matter the cost.

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Join Xander, Marbles, and the rest of the extra-terrestrial clown freaks on a big-top adventure through the funhouse mirror as Xander learns that clowns might not really be that funny after all…

And, who can pass anything up when Jesse Wheeler does his best Stefon imitation? – ( Tweaky club kid Stefon Zelesky).

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This book has it all. Transvestites, amputees, cotton candy feces, deep fried corn-dog dicks, vandalism, and so much more. You think you know clowns…? You don’t know shit till you read Slaughtertown Circus.
Jesse Wheeler, author of Dinner at the Vomitropolis

This book really does have it all!
When I first saw it, I didn’t know what to expect – I just knew I HAD TO HAVE IT.

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Prologue: The planet Kermisendia
The conception.
Clown sex – sex between Real Clowns, not Ass Clowns, (Trust me, you’ll learn the difference.), is a fun, and slightly disturbing event. Complete with squeaks, honks, and a jubilant CONFETTI completion, we get a front row, voyeuristic learning experience.
One year after this night of fun-passion (fassion- fashion), the happy couple is calling their physician… the baby’s on it’s way! Barnum, the doc, comes in with some insanely disturbing hardware! Lefty Lucy’s vag can only be compared to a Volkswagen in the center ring, because she shoots out a parade of clowns. The proud patents, and us spectators, are soon introduced to a violet eyed clown baby with a heart shaped birth-mark… Marbles.
The Story: Present day – 2014
On Earth, 105 years later, Xander Greaks happens into a small, obscure bar called The Doctor’s Office. He’s lost everything and decides to try and find something new at the bottom of a shot glass. What he found was a new friend in the form of a bartender named Billy.
Billy isn’t the only new thing- he brings a lot of new into Xander’s life. Weird porn, weird colognes, weird music… and Xander is drawn to it all!
Then, there’s the dancer. Those violet eyes, that heart shaped mark, the things that girl could do with a balloon! She introduced herself as Marbles, and…Marbles is all grown up! He’s never been a big fan of clowns, but there is just something about this girl! That joie de vivre, that je ne sais quoi. That little something she left him with after spending a the night together! He knows something is wrong the very next morning, and he’ll soon find out that herpies isn’t the only thing that is for life!
“Neither of them knew of the horrors that would come out of that night. Eh, maybe that was too dramatic.
Here, let’s try this: Shit got fucked up.”
Yes. Yes, it did.
And, you’re going to have to read the book to find out just how fucked up shit got!
There’s eyeball piercing, ice cream trucks, and a balloon chainsaw that brings ‘imminent, but hilarious, destruction’.

Like I said, I didn’t know what to expect from this book, but I am overjoyed with what I got. The story is so unique, and so much fun to read! It hooked me right away. You know I’ve got a thing for words – and K.M. Tepe is a master. From cacophony to breath sacks, her selection was a perfect mixture of interesting, exciting, and fun. The SHB gang are friends, you can tell they talk to each other. K.M.’s vaginal euphemisms reminded me of Don Noble, which reminded me of the song by the Bloodhound Gang that I posted with Don’s story CINNAMON. (On the STRANGE SEX review/discussion.) (Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo).
Don’t let this book get by you!
5/5 Squeaky Boobies for Slaughtertown Circus!

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Bumping Noses & Cherry Pie by Charie D. La Marr

Published April 1, 2014 by Shadow Girl

Bumping Noses and Cherry Pie [Kindle Edition]
By – Charie D. La Marr

CIRCUSPUNK

What is Circuspunk?
Circuspunk is a new sub-genre of punk/bizarro literature scene created by Charie D. La Marr aka Persiphone Hellecat aka Kotton Kandy — a former professional clown. The genre includes stories that take place in circuses, carnivals, midways, sideshows and also includes stories of birthday party clowns, freaks, magicians, circus animals and costumed characters. With some elements taken from her experiences in the world of clowns (she won’t tell which are true and which aren’t) the genre is a blend of truth and fantasy that takes in the usual bizarro mixture of fun, sex, satire and splatter. Also included in the genre are dark stories, Lovecraftian stories, noir stories and other variations and combinations of contemporary literary genre.

COULROPHOBIA: The fear of clowns

Synopsis
BUMPING NOSES AND CHERRY PIE is a book of short stories in a brand new genre-Circuspunk. It contains 26 stories about the circus, carnivals, sideshows, midways and fairs featuring clowns, magicians, freaks, carnies and the crazy cast of characters that go along with them. “This ain’t your mama’s roller coaster ride! That is unless your mama does acid before hitting the amusement park!” says Mimi Williams, author of Beautiful Monster. “Hate clowns or love them, you are going to enjoy reading her zany and sometimes poignant look at a world we both love,” adds Jim Rose of the Jim Rose Circus and author of Freaks Like Me. This is a wild ride of stories that begins with the rape of a circus poodle by one of the show’s rescue mutts and doesn’t let up until an overweight daredevil Elvis impersonator becomes a circus stuntman-diving 35 feet into a flaming kiddie pool of water. In between, the combination of satire, splatter and the wild and wacky will have you laughing, with brief respites of stories that will touch your heart and make you think. A professional clown for 9 years, Ms. La Marr tells it like it is, like it should be and like those of you who with clown phobia would like it to be. Put on your rubber nose, put your big shoes up on the coffee table and enjoy BUMPING NOSES AND CHERRY PIE. The first Circuspunk book ever!

╰☆╮Tʜᴇ sᴛᴏʀɪᴇs ғʀᴏᴍ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ Bɪɢ Tᴏᴘ╰☆╮

Custody:
Dog acts in the circus can be cute and fun – a fluffy poodle dancing in a tutu!? Sweet enough to cause a tooth-ache!
Dog ‘People’, on the other hand… they can be a weird breed. Not just your average dog lover. Have you met anyone who has ‘Show Dogs’? Even better, the people who breed AND show them. That was my sister. And, that’s the Orosco family from this story. If you’ve seen the movie ‘Best In Show’, know that all the absurdity and eccentricities are NOT underplayed!
Pepe Orosco’s troupe of eight perfectly groomed and pedigreed white poodles didn’t mind sharing the spotlight with McGurk’s Mutts, it was their humans that were at war.
A Romeo & Juliet ‘tail’ with a modern MTV – ’16 & Pregnant’ twist – about dogs.

Dalton Stickles Joins the Rodeo:
Dalton is about to make a major life change.
He has a 4.0 at Harvard, majoring in Nano Nuclear Physics & on the road to his PhD. But, he comes home and announces that this is not the life he is meant to live. He’s dropping out of Harvard to realize his dream, he’s going to be a Rodeo Clown. After breaking everyone’s hearts, he was on the road and landed at a Rodeo in Nebraska. Fast Eddie Charles was just taken out by a bad-ass bull, so there is a position to be filled. Bunking with Chuckles, he learned the tricks of the trade and Daring Dalton became one bad-ass rodeo clown.
This is a good story, but I have one complaint. Since I’m not here for posting spoilers, I’ll just say that I feel a little ‘meh’ about the ending – but it’s still a fun story.

El Ratón:
Santiago Espinoza was born a little sudden.. His bones seemed to be made of rubber, and his contortion skills earned him the nick-name El Ratón – “THE RAT”. When he got a little older, he joined the Hondurican circus and soon made a name for himself. It wasn’t long until the American circuses heard of El Ratón, and he was brought to America by Walter Pettibone to perform in his Three Ring Circus and Sideshow. Santiago learned the Urban Legend about the ‘circus wank‘ – of a contortionist being able to perform oral sex on himself – and he became a man obsessed. El Ratón would be the first man to successfully perform the ‘circus wank‘ and be able to prove it.
This is a good story with many aspects that I didn’t even touch on. Stories that his mother told him about America, the woman that Santiago should return home to marry, and parts about growing up that he never learned. Very good.

First of May:
In circus-lingo, a new performer is referred to as a ‘First of May‘, and that performer in The Buttrum Brothers Circus is Pixy Stix. Deedles is used to being the only female performer, so she is not pleased when Pixy Stix joins on. The fact that there is an almost 400lb difference between the two never crosses her mind. All she sees is competition, and she won’t have that! She’s going to get rid of this intruder, and she’ll stop at nothing until Pixy Stix is nothing more than a sugary treat at the concession stand.
I giggled while reading this, picturing the parade of performers coming over a smoky battlefield, like Braveheart or Army of Darkness, make-up and blood like war paint, being led by a clown whose plunger is held high! – (I’m not sick & twisted… right?)
✻ note to author… Charie, I loved that the Boss Clown’s name led to him being referred to as “Cap’n Jack”, and I’m hoping that it has more to do with The Piano Man than anything related to the Caribbean ::winks::
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Fredo the Fish:
Bernard is on summer break from MIT, and is looking for work. He sees an ad in the paper for Ocean World, a combination aquarium, theme park, & midway (e.g. Sea World), they’re hiring & it seems like a much better option than flipping burgers all summer. He applies, interviews, and is hired on the spot. He is going to become Fredo The Fish, Ocean World’s mascot. (The previous wearer of the suit died recently of mercury poisoning).
This is the story of Bernard’s Ocean World experience. It’s like the E! True Hollywood Story that focuses on the controversy surrounding Fredo the Fish that summer, or VH1’s Behind the Music: Behind the Mask.
Haha!! It could be either of those, because Bernard’s experience is most definitely cringe-inducing.

Hocus-Pokeher:
‘Paulino the Magnificent’ has been practicing his magic since he was a kid. This is the story about his chance to rise to the big time – and his desire to lower the tent in his pants! (Paul Peterkin isn’t the first virgin we’ve run into in this book.)
I like this story, picking up on little hints but not realizing it until the moment it was essential to remember makes me realize how difficult a story like this is to write. Charie pulled it off while adding humor, horror, AND

*´¯`*.¸¸.*´¯`* Vajazzling! *´¯`*.¸¸.*´¯`*

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Houdini, Clown Shoes and The Book of the Dead:
This is a different kind of story, the kind I wouldn’t normally pick up on my own. It’s more fantasy/sci-fi – but it’s good & I’m glad I didn’t miss out. Time travel, a suspicious wife, a slave hidden in the bedroom closet… make sure you don’t miss this one either!

Little Darcy Sings to Children:
The kids in Iowa have gone bat-shit crazy, and nobody knows why it started or how to stop it. Well, one guy in the recording studio knows – but, he’s not talking!
This one has carnage, fun facts (there’s a city in Ohio named Pussy Creek), and a sideways dig at a former SNL alum!

Sealina the Seal:
Sonya Orlov is a star in the Sweetwater Circus & Sideshow, performing with her 400lb seal, Sealina. Tino Rosselli, an acrobat traveling with the circus, has fallen for Sonya and is trying to show her. When Tino finally gets the chance to visit her in her trailer – finding out that she doesn’t live alone is far from his biggest surprise of the evening!
I was cracking up at some of the phrases that Tino blurted out, and almost lost it when Sealina did the seal version of flipping him off!
You guys know that I love finding little references to other stories within a story – and this SS does that, too!

Smoke and Mirrors:
A dare, and a journey into the Funhouse turn into a nightmare for young boy. He’s engaged in a battle & emerges the victor – but is that worth it of no one believes the tale? Or, was it all really just Smoke & Mirrors?

Sur le Cirque:
Inspired by Anais Nin’s ‘The Little Birds’, this one broke my heart. I think any explanation I would give could ruin the story for you.
* see later note

Tarot Cards, Elephant Spunk and Cotton Candy:
A torrid affair, OK – THREE torrid affairs lead to one unforgettable evening for Fabrizio. All is fair in love and the circus!

The Battle of the Showgirls:
Dominique & Chloe both ended up as showgirls in the same third rate traveling circus, but there is no sisterly bond formed in this story! Each little trick one plays, is played back – doubled, until things get really ugly!

The Circus Waffles Go to the Big Top:

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‘WCOW is really WOW’, and they supplied Brenda and her litter of kids with tickets to the circus & sideshow, the position of Ringleader for the night, with all rides, food, and drink included. Little did WCOW know that when this loud-mouthed, pregnant woman and her six brats left the trailer park – they were all on the clock. Their shenanigans get Brenda banned from any & all further WCOW contests, but to this family of little grifters… that only leaves more time for contests on other stations!
This is a direct hit at one annoying little trailer park beauty queen, but I seem to think I might rather spend a day with Brenda and the gang than have to sit and listen to farting rednecks play ‘what’s that smell’, while the princess of trash repeatedly screams “Holla fo’ a dolla!”

The Clowns Go Down:
Little Fred Hibbler was never more excited than the day that new neighbors moved in & he found his new BFF. Things go great between Fred and Shawn, until Fred learns of the deep, dark secret that his family is hiding.

The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze:
François Le Beau is ecstatic when he finds out that the circus will now be traveling with WiFi. Who wouldn’t be?! Life on the road can get lonely, but who could get bored with such a vast array of porn available on the internet? He soon finds that the sex toy scene isn’t just for women anymore! He has practically ordered one of everything, in every color, but he can’t wait to try this new one… being the best trapeze artist to ever live, imagine the acts that could be performed with a sex swing! ‘A trapeze of love’! Read what happens when he invites Barbie over for dinner, and their own private Cirque du Sex ♡ I can’t say much else, can’t describe how I felt, without giving anything away. So… don’t skip this story – you don’t want to miss it!

The Dunk Tank:
Shelby & Savannah walk into the Bonzini Brothers and Kline Carnival looking for a job. Not just any job, they’re wanting something specific – the Dunk Tank. They make the owner an offer he can’t refuse, they’ll work a night for free to prove that they’re as good as they say.
And, Boy! Are they ever!

The Milk of Human Kindness:

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” – Aesop

Mr. Thomas Carrion, the owner of The Circus of Horrors, visits Sauveterre, along with other such places around the world, looking for people to take back to America with him.
Being in the sideshow at the Circus of Horrors sounds like a terrible fate, but for the people housed in the places that Carrion visits… it’s a chance for a better life.

The Pizza Boy Always Knocks Twice:

“TOO MANY FREAKS, NOT ENOUGH CIRCUSES”

Mike McBender was born with a unique endowment. Unfortunately, he wasn’t gifted in the brain department, and this left Mikey with very few career choices once he was older. His high-school guidance counselor gave him two choices – philosophy, or the freak show. When those options didn’t pan out, there was only one other avenue to explore. Mike McBender finally found his raison d’être – and you won’t believe where he ends up!

The Pudnick Brothers, Paymore and Gitless Circus Murders:

“May all your days be circus days.”

Rodrigo was born into the Pudnick Brothers, Paymore and Gitless Circus, and was expected to be a performer like both of his parents. After trying every possible position – from acrobat to vendor, it became obvious that the circus life wasn’t going to be Rodrigo’s life. The entirety of the staff came to a decision that Rodrigo had to work or he had to go, they weren’t going to carry his weight any longer. His timing was down to the wire, but Rodrigo finally discovered his niche, and he used his talent to make the Paymore and Gitless Circus a better place for everyone.

The Sad Tale of Silent Sam:

“My heart always timidly hides itself behind my mind. I set out to bring down stars from the sky, then, for fear of ridicule, I stop and pick little flowers of eloquence.”
― Edmond Rostand, Cyrano de Bergerac

Little Lenny and Silent Sam were the stars in the Butterworth Bigtop, but this wasn’t always the case. The case, in fact, used to hold a ventriloquist dummy, but Sam wasn’t much for throwing his voice. When Sam met Lenny, (met… bought… semantics.), a little person, the act was born. Sam started crushin’ pretty hard on Lindsay The Tattooed Lady, and he was positive that he could make her the happiest woman alive – if he could only find the courage to speak to her. He thinks of the perfect intro… he’ll turn Lenny into his own little Cyrano de Bergerac!
I was cracking up while reading this! The circus needs to hire some new blood, and if the performers & acts weren’t enough to bring a smile to my face… their fate – in Charie’s hands – brought tears to eyes!

The Tale of the Maltese Fall Clown:
Brewster Bristol goes to extreme lengths searching for happiness. This is his journey to find the stuff dreams are made of.

The Tunnel of Love:
Mike and Phil are jizz moppers on the Tunnel of Love, pretty much the lowest employees at the carnival. Customers get down and dirty on the ride all the time, and it pisses them off. They tried shortening the time of the ride, but got in trouble for it. Getting snarky with the riders doesn’t turn out well, either. LIGHTBULB!! While they’re fishing clothes & condoms out of the water, they get a great idea…
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Two of a Kind:

“Pregnancy isn’t easy when you’re conjoined fraternal twins joined at the hip with sheepskin asses.”

Conjoined twins Francis and Frances Root were attached at the ass when they’re born. Being joined at the ass meant that neither one of them actually had an ass.
By age 10, after multiple surgeries, F & F each had their own butt – (made by using two sheep butts & four breast implants), and they were only attached by one hip…both facing the same direction.
Francis and Frances’s parents, Sydney & Sidney, were barely getting by. When Sid got ill, Syd knew she couldn’t take care of her sick husband, look after the twins, and search for ways to make money. With a broken-heart – she sent the twins off to live with the Nevada Slim Circus and Sideshow so they would have a chance at a better life. And, they did.
They got older, they fell in love, they got married, and… they got pregnant!
AHS4c

Wet Willie:

“Who bravely dares must sometimes risk a fall.”

Colonel Parker Firkins, of The Firkins Circus, found Willie Schlump in a little bar called McMurphy’s. Willie was a kind of daredevil. He had no fear, no ‘Ick’ tolerance level, loved attention, and was a little light in the brain department – Firkins’ Circus needed a guy like Willie. Willie JUMPED at the chance to be the circuses new diver, the new ‘Jumpin’ Jack’. A twenty five foot high dive into a kiddie pool with twelve inches of water?
What could possibly go wrong?

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Amazon Link –
http://www.amazon.com/Bumping-Noses-Cherry-Charie-Marr-ebook/dp/B00H7HMR2I/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1386635110&sr=8-2&keywords=bumping+noses+and+cherry+pies

What’s the cutest, non-scary thing you can think of?
If it had sex with a clown – would you still be scared?


FREE SMILE (and hugs, if you hurry!)

Published May 11, 2013 by Shadow Girl


Memories,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?
Memories, may be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it’s the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember…
The way we were…

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SMILE. My first story by Matt Shaw. The story that changed my literary life. We have all heard the story… search for sick & twizted, Kindle Horror Group, meeting Matt…
NOW IT’S YOUR TURN! Time to change your life!
From now until Tuesday, you can pick up SMILE on Amazon for FREE!
Check out my review of SMILE here, and don’t miss my hilarious ‘interview’, Low Tea With Matt Shaw, here.

GRAB YOUR COPY OF SMILE ON AMAZON NOW!
http://www.amazon.com/Smile-ebook/dp/B008ACZER4

(UK LINK – http://www.amazon.co.uk/Smile-ebook/dp/B008ACZER4)

THE CRAWLING ABATTOIR By Martin Mundt

Published April 25, 2013 by Shadow Girl

A COLLECTION OF TH1R33N SHORT STORIES – appx 159 pps
BY: MARTIN MUNDT

PREFACE:
14 Years Later, The Abattoir Crawls On
By John Everson
INTRODUCTION:
A Cookie With Arsenic In It
By Jay Bonansinga

ab·at·toir – noun – \ˈa-bə-ˌtwär, -ˌtwȯr, -ˌtȯr\
Definition : slaughterhouse

THE CRAWLING ABATTOIR is an anthology from Martin Mundt, a collection of thirteen SS. The Amazon synopsis goes like this…
*For a group of short stories written over a period of several years for unrelated reasons, “The Crawling Abattoir” wouldn’t seem a like candidate to have a theme, but it does: the hilarity of horror. The funny side of agony. Hit me with your torture-shtick!
From the desperation of a lonely necrophile deeply frustrated by unrequited corpse-love; to a really rotten clown’s long drawn-out discovery that success comes only after paying his dues in multiple broken bones, lacerated kidneys, lots and lots of blood and more; and to the horrible, horrible, (really horrible) misfortunes of Little Timmy, an innocent youngster badly mistreated by the world for no very good reason other than the reader’s enjoyment; this collection will jam a rusty icepick all the way through your funny-bone, and you’ll laugh until you cry through months of expensive, excruciating elbow rehabilitation. Enjoy!
Martin Mundt is a nasty, warped, zero-temperature so-and-so who can’t put two words together without first snickering, then slitting their throats. No wonder reading him is such a pleasure.” — Peter Straub
Now, my “synopsis” of each one…

DWF:
Love letters from a necrophiliac to his ‘crush’.
Craig is in love. Head over heals. He writes and tells her of his unrequited love, but, his crush never answers his letters. He tries to share his life with someone else – but… she’s not…HER. You’ll see what lengths she will go to to try & keep Rex in her life. She’s pretty determined! Or – to borrow a quote from AHS … “She’s goddamned PLUCKY.”

NIGHTFIGHTER:

BUG MESS:
Wayne & Kara are homeowners now, for better or for worse. Wayne, being a former exterminator & still having some kick ass poisons, is determined to stay put and take care of this ‘bug problem’ himself. While searching the house, they come across mounds upon mounds of cockroach feces, and some interesting looking bones, and some even more interesting bugs…
This one made my skin crawl, if you’re wary of bugs of ANY kind, read this one in the daytime! I love the names of his poisons, too!

THE WORST CLOWN IN THE WORLD:
Slappo IS the worst clown in the world. He’s got a bad attitude, he’s dirty, and he’s got a mouth to match! That language shouldn’t be used around the kids. Neither should his smoking or drinking. It’s these things, added with a little bad luck, that bring Slappo to his last gig – the one that will make him or break him. He might have a chance to turn his life around – with a little help from a stranger.

REINCARNATION OF THE DALI LLAMA:
Tenzin The First, The Great And Serene Leader Of The Temple Of The Only Right And True Way To Do Things has been reincarnated, again, and his brother monks are searching to find him. Again. With flashbacks to ice picks, machetes, and even the electric chair – we quickly learn that these monks aren’t so serene! Their red mohawks and matching robes seem a little sinister as well. There was a great chuckle when I read what Tenzin The First chose to be reincarnated into this time.

EMPTINESS, SHAPED LIKE A MAN:
This one is strange, I can’t quite think of something to say. Did you see the movie ‘Fallen’, it has Denzel in it. It’s about this killer who jumps from body to body after dying in the electric chair.. this is a little like that.

KEVIN BACON KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND:
“You know how a woman can get on your nerves like that just by nagging you about stupid shit like what her name is?”
“As a general rule, you never want to listen to what a woman says, you want to listen to what she really means. Like, for example ‘Go away’ and ‘I don’t like you’. And, you can’t take, Drop dead’ literally, right?”
“I never give up, because I’m not a loser”
These lines should show you the mindset of the main character in this one! Fah Reak!
Join this Kevin Bacon look alike as he tells a story about a day in the life of him & his girlfriend, who happens to be the spitting image of Pamela Anderson. ::winks::

MANIAC WORM:
As much as I researched & wished… Arno Spivey does not exist. Trust me.
This story is about Arno Spivey and the comics he wrote in ’53. (The kind that mothers refused to let their kids read.) And, a man who grew up holding a grudge against the ones who took every one of his Spivey possessions as a child – and disposed of them in a most unusual manner.
A man who did what any man with a childhood obsession would do – find and replace every single piece. He may regret that decision.
This is probably the best & most known story from MM, and the name of the book originated from this one as well.

LOVE IS A DEAD, DEAD ROSE:
Rex is at it again! Necrophillia at it’s finest! Keep Rex company as he writes letter after letter to various publications, longing for an answer…from anyone. The letter to Calvin Klein is especially twisted! (Made me laugh!)

ROAD RAGE:
“It’s a good day to die in traffic…”
Mother broadcasts the traffic on WDIE radio. Listen and ride. Smart roads, the roads drove the cars, not the drivers. It worked at first, until people got bored. Boredom brings trouble. So, they implement the Scenery Creating Anti-Rage Experimental Design. SCARED. Telepathic projectors broadcasting subliminal messages into commuters minds. It worked at first, until people got bored. The other problem… SCARED was addictive. Highly addictive. Drivers coming out during all hours – looking to get their Serotonin fix, causing traffic back-ups and accidents.
Traffic was becoming more than a mere problem. It was an epidemic. People who had nowhere to go… went. People purposely drove in the wrong direction, so they could turn around and go back. It became worse every day. Millions, billions, zillions went into the smart road! All the technology, all the money, all the experiments, they caused something to happen. The smart road became The Road. Conscious. The Road was awake. It was aware. It was alive. And… it was pissed.
I’d drive on The Road! Shit, I’d sell my house & buy a Mobil Home!

AUTOREAPER:
This one had a chance to become the kind of short story that made me hate them once. Thank Dog that Martin Mundt isn’t “that strange guy from Maine”, and he didn’t make me swear off SS again!
A little town in Iowa has a new business. Little Timmy is the first to see the odd funeral home. An odd building with no windows & no doors, just a small rectangular opening in the front. Little Timmy was the first to see what happened in the cemetery, too. Little Timmy sees what is happening, and figures out what must be done to escape. But… can he? [Insert dramatic music here]
This had a little more of a sci/fi feel to it than I usually enjoy, but – still a good story.
* did you catch the little nod to Rex in this one?

THE WILLIES:
Little Timmy (the same kid from AUTOREAPER) (You know I like when that happens!) and his 4 friends find a severed hand while out playing. If the gang needed something gross to be done – Little Timmy was their man. It was kind of his thing. So, naturally, LT is the one who is called on to ‘touch it’. He gathers up his nerve, steps up, and not only does he touch it… he picks the cold, dead hand up. He holds on for only a moment before throwing it back to the ground, trying to convince the others that “it moved”. That was the exact moment – and this is the story of – how Little Timmy got The Willies. He can’t seem to get his mom to believe him, so – he has to deal with The Willies on his own, in the only way can. This is another of the better stories in this collection. A little Jody Verrel (Creepshow) feel to it, but – taken to more of an extreme.

STUCK ON YOU:
Peter Barry Manilow and Lola are kind of enjoying each other’s company. As much as you can enjoy a 2a.m., near dark, last minute, bar closing hook-up. Until they find out the Mr. Manly’ SuperSpecial Valentine’s Day RedHot Erotic Man Wrapper brand condoms they were using did something that they weren’t supposed to do.
This Valentine’s Day, these particular Man Wrappers seemed to be a hot ticket item, since everyone that was in the emergency room was there because of them. Unfortunately, some product tampering with the Mr. Manly SuperSpecial Red Hot Erotic Man Wrappers altered the chemical structure of the latex, turning it into an epoxy- like substance, bonding skin to skin. Hence the comical scene in the ER. Imagine, if you will, all the sexual perversions you can, the ones that will include use of a condom, anyway. Peter finds it all ‘a little erotic’, unfortunately, no one else seems to find any amusement in their current situation.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Crawling-Abattoir-ebook/dp/B00BPBQZVG/ref=tmm_kin_title_0

While uploading the cover for this review, I noticed something quite disturbing. See if you can figure out what I mean. Answer in the comments.

I’m really going to start having contests and giveaways.
Most likely, it will be books. But, I am going to start this promotion SOON. Even if I keep it down to one book a month, it won’t break me.
Watch for it. I have an idea already!

For information on this, and other MM titles, please visit http://www.martinmundt.com

http://www.darkartsbooks.com

SMILE By Matt Shaw

Published February 10, 2013 by Shadow Girl

Smile
Matt Shaw

cover-3

SMILE was my first experience with Matt Shaw.
Let me share this little story with you…you can always just skip to the next paragraph if you’re not interested.
I was on a quest for something to read. Something different. I needed a break from zombies for a minute, and was looking for some good old serial killer depravity. I wasn’t in the mood for True Crime, either. So – my search begins. I found a ‘Diary of a Serial Killer’ that looked promising, warnings all over the place…(you know what I say about warning labels!) It was… meh. Good, but not sick. I ran across another title, ‘Shut The Fuck Up & Die’, and it was great. But, not quite ‘it’. I put the call out to my friends in a Facebook reading group, because I was starting to believe that I was the sick & twizted one. Maybe it was just me? I sure hoped not. My friends came through with flying colors! Names like Wrath James White and Ed Lee were common, but one name kept popping up. Matt Shaw. I swear, 80% of the people who commented dropped his name at some point. THIS WAS FATE! It had to be! I had recently downloaded one of his books – Smile. I was ready! Then, Matt commented on the post, too. He told me if I enjoyed ‘Smile’, drop him a note, he’ll hook me up with a copy of HAPPY EVER AFTER. I know now that he’s like a dealer! First taste free to hook you for life! Man! These stories are like none other. The Happy Ever After series is probably my favorite, because they are so twizted & hilariously wrong, but SMILE will always be special, because it was my first.
Big thanks to my friends in the Kindle Horror Books group, especially to Cathy Hudson & Suzanne Travolta-Delaney. And, of course, to Matt Shaw.

Let me show you the synopsis first. The Amazon Book Description:
He was stood there. Right there. He kept shouting that he was going to go but…. he wasn’t moving… he wasn’t. I thought he was bluffing… I only turned my back on him for a moment. A moment! Had I seen him go… of course I would have followed. Of course I would have gone after my younger brother! The thought of him lost in this shopping centre… alone… it sends shivers down my back.

I have to find him. I WILL find him. Anything to get out of having to make the call home to mum. She’s going to be so mad…

* * * * * * *

Alex’s mum was tired and over-worked. Holding down a full-time job, keeping the house clean and looking after the children – the youngest of which was still a handful with his ADHD as they tried to get the medication right – she just wanted a break. Even if it were only for an afternoon – so she sent Alex to the shopping mall, with his younger brother who was throwing a tantrum because he wanted to go to the toy store to spend his pocket money. She never once thought Alex would lose his younger brother in the crowds.

And no one would have guessed how the day would have ended or just how many more children were missing.

‘Smile’ is a new horror from the best-selling author behind the ‘Happy Ever After Trilogy’ – told through the eyes of the main character as he frantically searches for his missing brother.

I wanted to do that, because this was one of my earlier reviews. It’s short, because I was always scared I might spoil something. I’m using the original review because…if you have read some of my others, I like to review stories, especially Matt’s, as soon as I finish them – to try and catch my truest emotions. Here’s mine:
* I’m not great at reviewing books – but I have to review the ones I love! ‘Smile’ pulled me in from the very first page and I only put it down once – at 49% – and only to post a comment on Facebook about it. I stayed up and was so sleepy this morning – Worth It!! I felt the emotion of the characters so vividly that my stomach had butterflies. I have turned around to find my son not there before, it was only for a second, but Matt described those feelings to a T.

If I could write like this —-> http://www.amazon.co.uk/revew/R28JIYJ0ERUHFQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_asr_MPx1E.0HBZQFB <—— that would be exactly what I want to say. Suzanne Delaney left a review that I wish I could mimic.

So – let me just say this… I plan on reading every single word that Matt writes down. I have a new (to me) story already waiting for me to start tonight, and I know which one I'm reading next.

One last thing… Alex, I effing hate clowns too!!

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