Fancy a ménage à trilogy?
Have you ever felt the urge to fuck the photocopier at work? Or maybe you’re obsessed with panda sex. Perhaps you have a bomb in your cunt, or better yet, you have the Demon Vibrator of Eden in there. Whatever your taste, STRANGE SEX 3 has the scratch for your itch.
As usual, #SS3 is packed with awesome from cover to cover, and there is surely something within it’s pages for everyone’s hidden kink. (If it’s not your kink now – it just might be after you read about it!)
Once again the craziest perverts in the industry have gathered together to give us some of the most fucked up erotica you’re ever likely to read, and a possible #VVD (virtual venereal disease) in the process.
Since this is our third installment of Strange Sex, I’m not going to touch on every story this time. I know, I know… you’re disappointed. Don’t worry – I’m not going to make you walk in to the madness blindly! Here are a few highlights to make sure you don’t stick to the floor…
Billy Tea taught us something very important in #SS2 – Rule 34: If it exists, there’s porn of it. Now, in #SS3, John Bruni teaches us that it doesn’t matter how fucked up something seems… there is ‘A Market For All Things’. People collect weird things – especially Hollywood memorabilia. (I also learned “…they’re not called selfies if there is more than one person in them. Those are ‘usies’.” Thanks, John!!)
Do you remember how you felt when you walked into an ‘adult book store’ for the first time? Mike Lombardo vividly describes Lee’s first excruciating foray into the neon paradise in ‘Just Like The Real Thing’. Poor kid.
There is a scene in Clerks that shows Randal on the phone, placing an order for RST Video – I think Kevin Smith should hire Mike Lombardo as a porn consultant for the filming of Clerks 3…
I’ve always hated when someone refers to themselves as a ‘foodie’, EVERYBODY loves food, right?! MP Johnson shows us how some people just take their love of food to an entirely different, (and lower), level in ‘Combo Platter Number Three’.
I think we can all agree that the ‘auto-correct’ feature on our cell phones was invented by Satan, right? If you’ve ever have had an auto-correct disaster in your life you’ll love the hilarious
transcript, ahem… story from Mandy De Sandra – ‘Duck Me In The Bass: An Autocorrect Anal Sex Text Adventure’.
Leonard Delaney tells us a touching story about falling in love, (complete with heartbreak, and betrayal), that almost everyone can relate to in ‘The Office Photocopier Wants To Fuck Me’.
There’s a thin line between love & hate, and ‘Mine’ by Elle Stanger sits dead center. “They say that love can be like a fire, quick and unpredictable. But what they don’t tell you is that love can burn your house down.”
“Just Like The Real Thing” by Mike Lombardo
“Combo Platter Number Three” by MP Johnson
“Tanuki vs. the Aokigahara Swingers Club” by Arthur Graham
“Ectoplasm Orgasm” by Adam Millard
“The Mark Of Zorra” by Rich Bottles Jr.
“Snowballin’: I Fucked Frosty” by Auralie Vierge
“CuntBomb!!!” by TruckDrivingMagicMamma
“Rat Fuck” by Robert Tannahill
“Duck Me In The Bass: An Autocorrect Anal Sex Text Adventure” by Mandy De Sandra
“A Market For All Things” by John Bruni
“BigBoobenstein And The Demon Vibrator Of Eden” by Jeff O’Brien
“The Office Photocopier Wants To Fuck Me” by Leonard Delaney
“The Aliens from HerAnus” by Made In DNA
“Bionic Bonkers Feline Sextacular 3000” by Jason Wayne Allen
“Red Hot Panda Love” by Danger_Slater
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WHAT’S YOUR KINK?
Warning: This book contains – A sadistic mortician, demonic teddies, murderous sparrows, sentient robots, scenes of the apocalypse, feeders, lycanthropes, serial-killers, war, jealous housewives, cannibalism, creepy-ass neighbours, suicide, flesh-eating parasites, zombies, cowboys, mothmen, Nyogtha, Appalachian folklore, cancer, asteroids, invisible crocodiles, and voodoo. A collection of previously published and brand new macabre and weird tales from bestselling British author, Adam Millard.
Putting warning labels on books can be better than recommendations. (rawr!)
This anthology contains a wide variety of horrors told in 25 short stories. Some shorts are new to this collection, with additional shorts having been seen previously in different publications. (They were all new to me this time. Bonus.)
Cuddly & creepy stuffed animals, ancient legends re-imagined, and even some disturbing stories of love. In Can You Read That Asteroid from Here? I learned some important tips to follow if I ever get my interstellar drivers license, (‘lefty brakey, righty speedy.’) When I started reading Hair, I thought that Joy Killar had secretly gotten to Adam and had him write about the horrors of finding my stray hairs EVERYWHERE, and about them secretly plotting her imminent demise. But, it was a story about a serial killer who might have appreciated my shedding. Stories like Bug Boy, and 7:17 From Suicide Station didn’t hold back on the ‘bum me out’ vibes, but there were plenty of giggles to even things out. When Gladys confronted her husband about his mistress, her question was ‘What’s She Got That I Haven’t?’, you can imagine the multiple replies that could have fit. But, in the end, there was only one answer. If you’ve read Adam Millard before, you know to expect some dark humor peppered throughout his work. What surprised, (and delighted), me were the Easter Eggs hidden within. I love when authors slyly reference their other works, or revisit characters from other stories. I’m sure that if I had read more of the Adam’s work prior to reading this – I’d have found more. But, that just makes me look forward to reading this again in the future.
Santa Claus is coming to town…at least, that was the plan, but now his elves have started going missing, kidnapped by some insidious figure in a black cloak, and despite the magic swirling about the place, the toys aren’t going to put themselves together. So begins a terrifying game of cat and mouse as Kris Kringle searches The Land of Christmas for his abducted minions, unaware that he is to play an integral part in his foe’s plans.
Krampus is pissed at Santa after lending him his snowblower and never getting it back. His punishment? To build a Human Santapede long enough to stretch around The Land of Christmas, and at its helm, the jolly fat man himself. Can Santa – aided by his best foreman, Finklefoot – get his elves back, defeat Krampus, and save Christmas before it is too late, or will Krampus succeed in creating the ghastliest single-file organism the North Pole has ever seen?
Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, things are about to get messy…
First, have you seen The Human Centipede (First Sequence), or The Full Sequence, or The Final Sequence? It may not be necessary to see the movie(s), but it gives you a better feel for just how bad things are going to get, and just how bad that ‘we had curry for dinner’ joke really is! (South Park spoofed it pretty disgustingly). I’m only kidding – Adam has re-imagined yet another *[beloved] classic, and made The **[in]Human Santapede into what is sure to be one of my favorite things for many upcoming holiday seasons!
Taking subtle shots at Warwick Davis, Furbys, and E.L. James, Adam had me cracking up through another story that ended way to soon.
In the Land of Christmas, joy & laughter are spread like wildfire & chlamydia. Mrs. Claus is a ex-stripper, and a bitch-faced whore, who (in my mind) looks like a filthy, filthy Jessica Rabbit. Elves are missing, and Rudolph is nowhere to be seen. Someone is out to ruin the holiday this year, and Finklefoot is going to find out who it is!
Finklefoot isn’t about to save Christmas, or The Fat Bastard, for free. No sir. He, (and every other elf), wants a song written about him – one that will tell his story, and get stuck in the minds of humans everywhere for years to come.
Will Finklefoot save Christmas, and get a Holiday Song of his very own, (like that slacker Rudolph)?
* – “…you start putting brackets in things, you’re just going to make things worse. That’s why Meatloaf songs are terrible.”
** – “…you start putting brackets in things, you’re just going to make things worse. That’s why Meatloaf songs are terrible.”
In 1956, a young boy drowned in Crystal Lake. It was a tragedy that could have been avoided, if the camp counselors weren’t dirty sinners! Sneaking off for a little hanky panky instead of watching the campers turned out to be a mistake that the world paid for – thirteen times.
At the same time, but a different place, young Larry Travers is being terrorized by his fellow campers on the banks of Diamond Creek.
This is not a summer of love.
In 1975, Larry Travers sharpens his axe, dons his new mask, and returns to Camp Diamond Creek after almost twenty years. This is the year that ‘Pigface’ gets his revenge! 1975 becomes the summer of slaughter, and Pigface is happier than a pig in shit! He loves it so much, that he returns in ’76, ’77, and ’78.
The summer of ’78 didn’t end well. His killing spree was fantastic, and he had a respectable body count. But, when he was ready to abide by the new rules, and let the final girl walk free – she double crossed him!
Almost becoming bacon made Larry Pigface Travers rethink his career. If it were ten years later, Larry would have quoted Murtaugh… because he was indeed ‘gettin too old for this shit’.
That pretty much brings us up to speed!
Present day – The summer of 2014
A new generation of Happy Campers are about to take part in the latest sequel in the Diamond Creek franchise. Paying homage to the greats, this batch of soon to be corpses have very familiar names – Voorhees, Loomis, Bateman, and Myers – to name but a few. For that extra ::wink wink nudge nudge::, there’s Lakresha, whose last name might as well be Token, because we know she’s not going to see the dawn.
Following a very specific pattern, on the way to Diamond Creek, they roll into a dilapidated gas station – and the first harbinger. They get their “damn fool kids never learn” words of wisdom, some gas, a case of the willies, and they’re on their way!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
A now sixty-five year old Larry Travers is having some quality time with Wilber – (a pig by any other name would be a travesty), and his Ma. Larry is feeling plucky, and decides it’s time for some more fun! He’s still a homicidal lunatic at heart, and the heart is willing.
His bones & joints are singing a different tune, but, he just needs to warm up. Stretch a little. It will be fine…
This was one of the funnest books I’ve read in a long time!
I’m a huge fan of 70’s horror, and 80’s cheese – and Adam Millard captured all the best parts of the era.
When House Of 1000 Corpses was finally released – I was in line on opening night. As a dedicated Fangoria reader, I had been following the progress of the film, and every obstacle that got in Rob Zombie’s way while trying to get it released.
The lights in the theater dimmed, the music started, and I was whisked back in time – back to the horror of the late 70’s. He kept the music authentic, and the film even had that grainy look. Plus, you know…Bill Mosley.
It was perfection.
Reading LARRY gave me that feeling.
I can’t think of any higher praise than that.