“Today was a good day.” ~ Ted
This is A SHORT STORY. If you wish for a longer story to read, do not purchase any of the F*cked-Up Shorts titles.
“TED is an extreme character. He is a racist, ignorant piece of shit. The views he expresses within this story DO NOT reflect the views of the author. And fear not, he hets what he deserves in ROTTING DEAD F*CKS.” ~ms
“TED is featured heavily in ROTTING DEAD F*CKS by Matt Shaw. You don’t need to read R.D.F. first. This is a standalone short offering more from the character.”
Since the books in the White Cover Collection are short stories, I can’t go into a lot of detail without fear of ruining them for you. It’s not just about giving away the ending – there is so much awesome jam packed into each short that I don’t want to give much of anything away!!
I do know that Matt has verified my reservation in Hell with this story!
Yeah, Ted is a piece of human garbage, but some of his attempts at humor, (and some of his attempts at humanity), had me giggling like a kid who is secretly listening to his grandparent’s Red Foxx albums in the basement! Wrong on so many levels.
But… before you judge me, let me try to explain using the cat joke (which also had me laughing, heartily) here as an example. I would never hurt an animal. Ever. I know, for a fact, that Matt is an animal lover. He has a cat named Nellie, a lizard named Larry, and doesn’t even like to kill spiders – even though there isn’t much in the world that he hates more than the eight legged freaks. (I swear that I’m not a stalker. This comes from years of being friends on Facebook, and an indepth author interview here on BBBB. Honest.) So – when I learned how to make a cat go ‘woof’… I accidentally giggled before I made an audible groan at the bad joke. THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I THINK THAT WAY, and it doesn’t mean that I would ever try to make a cat go ‘woof’. But, it was kinda funny.
So are some of Ted’s thoughts.
Ted’s not ALL bad. Mostly. But not all. He did leave me with a couple pieces of wisdom…
“If she thinks so little of herself, how am I expected to think highly of her?” ~ Ted
“For all we know, I am the sane one and it’s everyone else who has a serious case of the ‘fuck-ups’.” ~ Ted
“Just a hooker. Another dead hooker.” ~ Ted
As an added surprise… I also learned about many different weird and wonderful sex acts that a lot of people have no idea about! I’ll admit that I did already know what The Donkey Punch is, (don’t judge me!), but The Strawberry Shortcake, and The Alabama Hot Pocket were new!! I’ve also noticed a reoccurring ‘trick’ that has popped up in a couple of the Fucked Up Shorts! Do with that information what you will – I just made a mental note of it.
I’m enjoying the books in the White Cover Collection. Chances are… if you’re already a fan of Matt, you’ll enjoy them, too.