Beer Run of the Dead by D.F. Noble

♬ It’s the end of the world as we know it, where can I get a dime?♬

Original cover from StrangeHouseBooks

☣ ☣ ☣ ☣ ☣ 5/5 Biohazards for BRotD

Action packed dumbass, zombie killing, booze hounding, jiggly tits, of action full of super action! Beer Run of the Dead is the first book in a series sure to quench your thirst.
Follow Kip, Rock and Steady, as they struggle to survive and stay completely shit faced in the face of certain undead doom. These three unlikely heroes hold the key to humanity’s salvation, but will they succeed being inebriated as they are? Not everyone who saves the world is a rocket scientist, a super hero, or a handsome actor turned politician. Sometimes people who save the world… they’re fucking idiots.

New beer label cover from Rooster Republic Press

I really gotta tell ya, I’ve been a bit zombied out lately. Add to that the fact that I can’t get the end to my zombie SS written, and… it kind of bums me out. SOO… it took me a little while to open this book up. But, once I did – I couldn’t put it down!
Beer Run Of The Dead has made it’s way into my top five favorite zombie stories. Ever. (Sharing spots with Tonia, and Cal – you know who I go on and on about!).
The saviors of mankind in this story, our warriors of booze & justice, are Rock, Steady, & Kip – these are friends of yours. Whether you know them now, or knew them in your past, I’ll bet that at least 80% of us picture that friend when reading this. Take a bit of everyone’s favorite unlikely hero – Ash, (Bruce Campbell), get him FUBAR, and then double the humor – and that’s what I want you to expect when you start BRotD.
I don’t know what else to tell you about the plot without ruining the story for you, but I think what has already been said in the synopsis is enough. I made so many notes and highlights while reading – but I can’t let you in on all of it!! I can’t NOT touch on some of it, though.
Soft warning here… (not like an EBS warning, more like the required weekly test of the EBS.) The remainder of this post contains bits that are kind of spoilers – but only spoilers for scenes, not spoilers for the story line.

Some of my favorite things in this book…

There is a ‘shit & slide’ – (you’ll see!), Cartman quotes, and a woman who gets beat with her own dildo – (and loses her teeth from it)!
Kip’s mom has a muscley bf, who is like any newcomer into a relationship with a teenager – he is trying way to hard to be buddy-buddy, and trying even harder to be cool. That makes him an instant d-bag, you know the type. He is gonna be a bro! Well, first thing he does is shotguns a hit of his joint to Kip, and his reaction is the first thing that had me dying. Kip goes to his room alone & thinks

“My head feels like an electric blanket with a fan blowing. Fuck I’m hungry. Fuck I wanna nap. Maybe I should call grandma sometime, it’s been a while…”

– I’m just cracking up – I know your pain, bro!!

Here’s something to let you into my head, to show how goofy my brain works…
In chapter 3, (at about 9% in) -when TSHTF, there’s a line that says… “A thick wall of smoke rolls steadily down the street…”
I highlighted ‘smoke rolls steadily down the street…’, and I made a note so I’d remember to tell you guys (and the author) that I automatically sang that to QUEEN’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’. I had it stuck in my head for the rest of the day, and now that I’m re-living the moment… it’s back. So… this is your mandatory ear-rape. Now you’ll have it stuck in your head, too.
Not long after the Jock Jams 57 sing-a-long, still at about nine percent, there is a scene that had me literally laughing out loud, and I had to read it to my husband –
The scene itself is utterly hilarious.
Add the fact that I’ve been working a full time McJob since the GM layoffs and it turned to pure comedy gold!

There is a guy ordering breakfast in the drive-thru of a fast food joint. The customer, Mike, is the epitome of ‘that guy’. The asshole customer who wants something to be wrong, so he can bitch. If there is nothing wrong, he’ll make something up. (Remember… TSHTF moment has already begun, things are blowing up, sirens going off – and he’s pissed about having to wait to order). Already irrationally upset, when he orders a Coke but the place only carries Pepsi – he starts to lose his shit, and then the real fun begins!

“Is Pepsi all right?”
“What? No, I won’t drink that shit. Give me a Sprite instead.”
“Is Sierra Mist okay?”
“Are you fucking serious? What is this shit?”
“So, a Sierra Mist?”
“No, I said are you seri—“
“One Sierra Mist, got it. So we have two biscuits and gravy, two hash—“
“I don’t want a goddamn Sierra Mist! Listen, jackass, I want—“
This time, it isn’t the pimple-faced kid on the other side of the speaker distracting the Cardinals fan, but an ambulance that comes wailing down the street from out of nowhere. Weaving in and out of traffic, the thing is all over the road, hopping the curb before finally nailing a car at the intersection. Glass shatters, metal buckles, and the car does a near three-sixty before colliding with oncoming traffic.
“Frikkin’ shit!” the Cardinals fan exclaims.
“Sorry sir, we don’t carry Mr. Pibb.” (bah ha ha!)
– stuff happens, more stuff happens, and then…
“What the fuck is going on…” the Cardinals fan softly moans, from the relative safety of his car.
“Excuse me, sir, did you say foot-long hot dog?”

Last funny that I’m going to point out is when Kip meets Rock & Steady. They’ve been through a lot already, and
Kip describes some things he’d had to do when TSHTF. Rock & Steady seem sympathetic, and they proceed to tell Kip about how/why they’d had to kill their girlfriends when the end of the world started…
I don’t want to ruin all my favorite parts for you, so I’m just making a note to say… don’t miss it!

D.F. Noble is a hell of a writer.
He has three stories in the SHB anthology STRANGE SEX.
His SS CINNAMON had a sci-fi edge to it, and reminded me of an old movie I once saw called (I think…) CHERRY 2000.
His SS INTERLOPER is about the big guy upstairs seducing the women on earth, and the SS FOREIGNER, well… FOREIGNER made me gag. A lot.
All the shorts in SCARY FUCKING STORIES were great, too. Plus, I feel like I got a little peek inside his head.
What I’m saying is this – he’s not a guy you can jam into one category. Multi-genre, multi-talent.

Note to Don and/or Arthur…
Those shots of tequila at the end… are they Cabo Wabo Blue agave tequila? I’m going to imagine that – YES, THEY ARE! Will also assume that they’ll have some Hagar-Miester to mix with Red Bull for some power shots 😉