THE CACTUS

Published April 17, 2013 by Shadow Girl

THE CACTUS

After returning home from my vacation in Mexico, I finally found the perfect spot in my living room to place the potted cactus I had bought. I loved it. Since I’ve never had a green thumb, a cactus was perfect for me! The strange thing about it was that my pets kept looking at it. Damien, my kitten, would just sit & stare at it for what seemed like hours. The dog, Hunter, would look at it, give it that ‘sideways dog look’, then growl or bark at the plant. I thought it was odd, to say the least. Being the horror lover that I am, my thoughts automatically went straight to “haunted flower pot”. Holy shit, I wish it would have been so simple!
The pet’s behavior was really freaking me out. My over active imagination began to get the better of me & my eyes were playing tricks on me. I swear, every once in a while – out of the corner of my eye – that thing moved. Not a lot, mind you. Just a quick… for lack of a better term… vibration. Fast enough that I couldn’t convince myself one way or the other. My husband thought I was a fruit cake, I didn’t care. I couldn’t deal with it anymore, so I moved it out to the patio, right outside the kitchen door-wall.
One particularly beautiful day, after mowing the grass, my husband turned on the sprinklers before heading out to work. I was standing at the kitchen sink, doing dishes, and I could not believe what I saw. The sprinkler passed over, and left a fine mist on my cactus. That God-damned thing ‘shuddered‘. I walked over & stared at it, not believing what I had seen, and it happened again! Hell no.
After receiving no comfort from calling my husband, I called the local florist. The woman I spoke to, Audrey, seemed skeptical – but not condescending. She directed me to a larger company & gave me a different phone number to call. I immediately called and retold my story – again. This person didn’t answer any questions, but he sure asked a lot of them! I was getting pissed, I thought he was just having some fun with me. Why would it matter WHERE I picked the plant up from, or how long I’d had it? My houses temperature certainly had nothing to do with it, and I told him so! He could hear the annoyance in my voice, assured me that he was not teasing me, and asked if he could call right back. Sure. Why not. Whatever.
You can imagine my surprise when the phone rang about ten minutes later. Even more surprising… he urgently demanded my address, then told me to go next door & await their arrival! They? WTF?! Am I being punked? Again… whatever. I’m bored. Let’s see where this goes. It will make for interesting Blog fodder.
Within 30 minutes, my house is practically surrounded. 2 police cars, an ambulance, a fire-truck, and a white van! Holy overkill Batman! Where’s the Ghostbusters Ambulance? What happens from here on out is so surreal. The cops are putting up CAUTION tape, and this dude comes out of the back of the van, dressed in some kind of HazMat garb, carrying what I’m about to find out is a flame thrower! He then proceeded to set fire to this cactus like it was a Witch in Salem, taking out part of my privacy fence & the neighbor’s ugly hammock in the process. It’s then bagged, tagged, and carted off to the van. That’s when the HNIC from Men In Black walks up to me to explain what just happened in this episode of The Twilight Zone.
Here is what he told me… To escape the extreme Mexico heat, and to provide protection, pregnant tarantulas crawl inside cacti, hollow out some ample room, and lay their eggs. During incubation & after hatching, the cactus provides shelter & nutrition for the mother and up to 150 baby tarantulas. Yeah… I don’t want to hear any more, either. The animals picked up the sound of movement inside, that’s why they were acting so strange. The ‘vibration / shudder’ I witnessed was upwards of 150 growing spiders getting ready to explode out of that bitch and rain down their unholy terror upon my soul.

Fumigation: $377.99
Therapy: $5,660.00 and counting
Getting that spider infested cactus out of my house before it exploded: PRICELESS

~ BDR / SG

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THE CACTUS is just one of the shorts in our new URBAN LEGENDS project. It’s a tag-team effort between the BBB and Grizz-Tion blog founders, Becki and Art – (Shadow Girl & Grizz, respectively). We hope you’ll keep checking in on the main URBAN LEGENDS page for new stories! As always, comments are appreciated. Let us know how we’re doing! Thanks! P, L, & N!

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